Having A Baby is Giving Birth, No Matter What

While browsing my Facebook this morning I encountered the above picture.  It was attached to a page that I will NOT be promoting. In fact I blanked out their logo as well.
Someone posted it on one of my mom groups, not in favor of it, but obviously out of shock.  At first glace, seeing a picture of a belly with a c-section scar makes me feel empowered.  It is a battle scar, a scar that serves as a reminder to me that I carried and gave life to all of my children through it.  I don't know anyone personally that has ever judged a person by their choice in giving birth.  Some people like to give birth in tubs, some at home, some outside (have you seen that new show?), some in a hospital, some with drugs, some without, etc.  Every woman has an ideal scenario of how they want to bring their children into the world, but sometimes it just isn't in the cards.  Sometimes things happen that are out of our control.

I was in labor with my first son for 16 hours, fully dilated, when he went into distress.  His heart rate dropped all the way to the 40's every time I tried to push.  The doctors really did try everything.  Different positions, clamps, suction, you name it, but at one point his heart rate wasn't recovering after I pushed.  It was at that time that I had an emergency c-section, so much of an emergency that I didn't have a chance to get the proper amount of drugs to numb the lower half of my body.  I remember the doctor pressing the scalpel on my thigh and asking if I could feel it, I replied with "yes" to which he replied "we don't have time, he needs to come out NOW" and with that I felt my stomach being cut open.  I remember feeling like I was outside of my body, I could hear myself scream in a way I had never heard before.  The staff was trying to calm me down, pushing meds into my IV.  I felt them plop my newborn in between my legs, I remember it being warm, and then I finally went numb, just in time to be sewn and stapled back together.  It was an experience unlike any other, and I for sure did not choose it.  However, it was necessary to save my son.

So I would like someone to tell me how I "got lucky" in having a c-section.  If that's luck then I'm not interested.  The bottom line is no matter how it is done, giving birth is a beautiful and special thing.  Not everyone has the opportunity either, so people should really watch their words.  One day women will stop judging and competing with each other and support and empower one another.  I look forward to that day.

In the meantime I say this, bringing a baby (or babies) into this world is a beautiful thing, and no one should ever be judged for the way they choose (or don't choose) to do so.  Be proud of your achievement, your body, your stretch marks, your scars, and so on.  I know I am

Last First Moments

My daughter just had her 3rd birthday and the range of emotions I have been dealing with are insane.  There are times that I can't wait for her to grow up more (mostly out of the terrible 3's), and then other times I just want to freeze her in time.  Its a feeling that I had mildly with my boys, but it is worse this time because my daughter is my last baby.

Its really weird as a woman what goes through your head when you decide you are done having children.  In my case it wasn't really MY decision, it was more my body's decision.  I just had too many problems while pregnant to even entertain the idea of another baby.  I'm not even saying that I would have had anymore, but because the option for me isn't there, it made it that much harder.

I try not to spoil my daughter, but I admit she gets away with a lot...mostly everything.  She always gets an extra cookie because of the way she says "pretty pweeeese?", we rarely leave a store without SOMETHING "special", and she sneaks in our bed at night.  While it sucks and my husband and I wake up with sore backs (or her foot in his mouth, true story) I keep telling myself that I am never going to experience this age again.  I'm never going to have a little 3 year old whispering "Mommy, can I cuddle with you?" at 2AM again.  On top of that it is all going so fast.  I cant stand it, well most days, some days I'll be honest I wish she was an adult and out of the house.

I'm sure most women go through this eventually.  I mean at some point we stop having children (yes, even the Duggars).  Even if you are totally happy and comfortable with your decision to be done, a little piece of you melts when you see a tiny baby, or a pregnant woman and realize that wont be you again.  I had my kids young too, so a lot of my friends are just starting to have kids which ALSO doesn't help.  It really is like closing a huge chapter in your life.  When my doctor told me it wouldn't be wise and potentially dangerous to have anymore I broke down.  Like I said before, I wasn't necessarily planning on having anymore kids, but someone was telling me I couldn't, and anyone that knows me knows I am not very good with being told I cant do something.  I cried driving my husband to his vasectomy, I cried on the way home, the rest of the day, and off and on for months.  I felt like my body was officially worthless and useless.  My body was no longer going to do what it was built to do.  Yes I am lucky, I have 3 beautiful children, I know that and I'm not saying that any woman that cant have kids is less of a woman, this was just my personal feeling about myself.  In fact I tried to remind myself how lucky I was to have three beautiful healthy children, but my heart was still broken.

Every first milestone my daughter made, turned me into a slobbering blubbering mess.  To me they weren't firsts, they were lasts.  Last first moments, make sense?  Every stage so far has been as heartbreaking as the first.  Getting rid of her infant car seat, bottles, onesies, putting away her highchair, even buying her underwear (OK that was a little easier, so close to no more diapers).  While singing Happy Birthday to her recently, I got choked up.  My eyes welled up but I kept it together, and didn't let anyone see.  My last baby isn't such a baby anymore.  All I can do is helplessly try to embrace the good and even bad days, and soak up what is left of my kids being little.

The Pressure of Giving Birth

I got pregnant with my first baby when I was 19 years old. Other than the knowledge that I wasn't supposed to drink or smoke, I had no idea what I was doing. I had never heard of a birth plan or even thought about how the baby was going to come. When I went into labor a little before 36 weeks I was given shots to stop the labor, the doctors told me they wanted the baby to stay in as long as possible (even though I selfishly was ready for him to be out). Finally at 36 weeks exactly I went into labor (again) and they didn't stop it. 

The only thing I knew for sure was I wanted an epidural, and I wanted it ASAP.  After 16 hours of labor, I had finally fully dilated and was ready to get the baby out. The nurses would wait for a contraction to show up on the monitor and tell me when to push. With my chin burying into my chest I would push every minute or so. After about 10 minutes alarms started going off and I was told to stop pushing. They had me lay on my sides, they would push on my belly and even shake it at times. When I asked what was going on they told me that the baby wasn't handling the labor well and was in distress. They then told me I was going to need a c-section.   By the time I got into the OR they told me they had to get the baby out right away, meaning there was no time to numb me more.  I remember the doctor pressing the scalpel to my thigh and asking if I could feel it, I said yes but he said there was no time.  I was cut hip to hip, and felt a very good portion of it.  It was the most terrifying and painful event I have endured thus far in my life. 

Like I said before I had no idea what I was doing or what I wanted. All I knew at that point was I was scared and young and trusted that what I was being told was the only way to go. I never felt there were more options. I had no idea that all of my future deliveries would be decided by this one moment. They got him out and he was safe, small, but safe. He stayed in the NICU for a while because of his size, but ended up being just fine

I got pregnant with my second baby 4 years later and had heard a lot about VBAC (vaginal birth after cesarean). After doing all of my research I had come to the conclusion that I was a perfect candidate to attempt it and was eager to do it. When I told my doctor about my plan I was flat out told "no". I was told that in order to have a VBAC the hospital would have to approve and that the doctor would have to be available 24 hours to monitor my labor. That was something she told me simply wasn't possible due to the amount of patients she had.   I was devastated.  She also scared me by telling me how dangerous it was.  I looked into doctors in the area that supported VBACs and there was one, yes ONE.  

I wasn't educated enough to look into doulas and midwives, let alone meet with one.  I had been with my doctor since I was 16 and was afraid to jump ship to another one.  I didn't think that she would lie to me when it came to the way I wanted to give birth.  I am now done having children and ended up with 3 cesareans.  I dont know if it is my age, or that times have just simply changed since I had my first baby but VBACs are everywhere now.  I see success stories so often and while I am happy for those women I am incredibly jealous.  Its hard to watch someone do what you wanted to do so badly.  In a way I feel I was robbed of giving birth.

Sometimes women don't have a choice when it comes to a c-section, but in my case it came down to the fact that with my second my doctor just didn't have time for me.  Plus what she told me was not completely the truth.  While yes there is a risk with a uterine rupture in a VBAC (1%) I was more likely to die on the operating table with a repeat c-section (3%).  Giving birth no matter how it is done is a beautiful thing and an accomplishment.  In the end I ended up with three beautiful children that I grew inside of my body, and I do feel very lucky to have been able to do that, but there is a part of me that wishes I would have fought harder to give birth the way I wanted.  Do I feel like less of a woman?  No, and I don't think anyone who has had to have repeat c-sections should feel that way.  The only thing I feel is that I didn't get to experience something I was so close to doing, and wanted so bad.

If you have had a c-section and don't want to go through it again, do your research.  If your doctor doesn't support you, look into another one, or even a doula or midwife.  Don't give up!  If you are fine with having repeat c-sections then awesome, some people prefer it and that's just fine.  Fight for yourself and your baby, don't let anyone tell you, you cant do something with YOUR body (unless it is medically necessary of course).  It doesn't matter if you are 19 or 40 explore all of your options, and make the best decision for YOU.  Don't be pressured into another c-section (or a first) because your doctor wants to make their tee time, or has to catch a plane.  You should be the only thing that matters to your doctor, and if you aren't, then its time to find someone else