Why you should always have coffee FIRST

It really frightens me when the day has already been eventful enough to write about.  It has been one of those mornings for sure.

I was about to run out of the door with my three children to get my oldest to school when he says "Ugh I have sand in my shoe" (from the park yesterday)
"OK just go ahead and dump it in-"
*sound of sand pouring out*
"What are you doing??"
"Dumping the sand in there"
"In the FLOOR VENT??"
"Yeah"
"WHY??"
"No one said I couldn't"
"I don't tell you on a daily basis you cant jump off a cliff but you know better than that right?"
"Well yeah, THAT I know"

In his defense we do live in a mansion where the trash can is an astounding 10 feet away from the scene of the crime.
Yeah awesome, maybe next time I have to turn on the heater I will close all the other vents and open his so all that sand goes flying into his room, then he might understand why he "cant" do that again.

OK fine whatever, into the car we go.

Driving down the street and a full size white Toyota Tundra 4X4 covered in a "graphix" company decal keeps drifting into my lane, enough to almost hit me twice.  Drunk driver, I wonder?  I finally get enough room to get ahead of her, and take the opportunity.  As I am passing her I see that a brunette woman has both hand OFF of the steering wheel so she can text or play on her phone or whatever.  She never looked up, and shortly after I saw her she proceeded to blow through an intersection on a red light (no accident thankfully).

Look I understand texting and driving or playing on your phone and driving, I really do.  I understand that there isn't an option on these so called "phones" to actually call people anymore, and that technology hasn't advanced enough to where you can talk to people through your speakers in your car.  I understand that if you don't update your Facebook status right away people wont think you are relevant anymore.  Most importantly I know that no one person is more important than sending out that text or updating your Facebook.  Just remember that when you end up killing someone, they don't have the internet in prison.  So if you don't care that you can kill someone with your car, just remember NO INTERNET *GASP* yeah I have your attention now huh?

Finally we make it back home, alive thankfully. 
Time to take the dog out
We walk to the "potty patch" and Rocko does his business that I promptly pick up and throw away.  While walking back to the house from the potty patch, Rocko decides he is not done.  To the side of the street he hunches over and pops out the tiniest piece of poop I have ever seen.  "Seriously?" I asked him.  I realize I am out of bags and start walking back to the potty patch to get a bag to pick up after him. 
I see a guy throw his truck in reverse as I start to walk TOWARDS the potty patch
"Ummm excuuuuuuse meee! Are you going to pick that up?"
No asshole, I'm not going to pick it up with my bare hands, although the thought did cross my mind to pick up this little piece of poop and throw it into his open window.
"Can I get a fucking bag first? Mind your own business!"
He drove away.
I'm going to find out where he lives and put a full bag of poop under his tire one day so that he will back up and not only will it be stuck all over his tire, but it will also explode onto his driveway.

"Geez Brittany, calm down!" you are thinking, I can hear you.

Just keep in mind that this all happened BEFORE I had my first cup of coffee. Yeah makes sense now doesn't it?

The 5 Types of Pick-Up and Drop-Off Parents

If you have school age children then you know the struggle of your morning.  Getting up before you want to, making breakfast for cranky children that always includes at least one "I didn't want THAT for breakfast!", fighting to get everyone dressed, trying to find matching shoes in a hurry (where DO they go??) and the inevitable fight over who is going to get in the car first.  Most of this is done before you get to enjoy your first cup of coffee, unless you want to get up even earlier than you didn't want to in the first place.  However, by the time you enter the 1 mile radius to the school everything else looks like a piece of cake, because parents trying to drop their kids off at school are a million times worse than your cranky children in the morning.

There are several types of morning drop off parents, I'll break them down and then you can decide which category you fit into

1. The Wow its a Beautiful Morning Parent:  These parents are rare and few and far between.  This is a parent that woke up on the best part of the bed and has had an amazing morning that they want to share with everyone.  Their children were probably unusually behaved, ate their breakfast quietly, got dressed without hassle, and were ready to go before the parent was.  In the drop off this parent will willingly wave you ahead of them in line, smiling as they do it, wave to the crossing guard, and even use their turn signals.  Like I said RARE

2.  The Zombie Parent:  This parent is just going through the motions of the morning routine.  Kids act the same way every single day, they aren't particularly having a good or a bad morning, just a normal to them morning.  They are alert enough to get their kids safely to school, but are oblivious to your turn signals.  They either don't drink coffee, or don't get up early enough to enjoy it.

3. The Screw This Morning Parent:  This parent usually has most things under control in the mornings but is having an unusual start to the day.  Either the alarm clock didn't go off, one of the kids spilled an entire gallon of milk on the floor, the toaster burned all the toast, or the coffee machine just broke.  This parent doesn't do well without structure and is completely frazzled.  At least one child is probably wearing two different socks.  This parent will give you the "please just let me in!!" look, will try to use their signal until finally giving up and having to pull out in front of someone, and is most likely to roll down the window, wave and scream "YOU'RE WELCOME!!" to someone they were nice enough to let in, but was not thanked or even acknowledged

4.  The Hey We Made It On Time Today! Parent:  This parent likes to sleep in and has absolutely no expectations of getting to school before the final warning bell rings.  This parent rushes everyone through breakfast, has everyones clothes out and lunches made the night before, and a timer on their coffee pot just so they can get those 10 extra minutes of sleep.  If they happen to get to school while other people are still dropping their kids off they are pretty relaxed.  They don't use their signals (mostly because there is hardly anyone around), they take their time saying goodbye to their kids, and will sit and drink their coffee while watching their kids walk into the school until they are no longer visible.  They are a very controlled chaotic drop off parent.

5.  The I'm Way More Important Than You Parent:  This parent is always just an asshole.  Even though they get up with more than enough time to have their coffee, get dressed and probably put make up on,  their children always listen to them, and are out the door at the exact same time every single day, their social skills are lacking.  This parent weaves in and out of traffic, pretends not to see your turn signal (or you), speeds around you to get that spot you were eyeing (every day), pulls out in front of anyone at any time, NEVER EVER uses a turn signal, and is usually your school year enemy.  They can sense a #3 parent and prey on them, and are usually the type a #3 parent has to roll down the window and yell at, in the event they even waited to be invited to be let in.

I'll admit I have been all of these drop off parents.  Sometimes I am more one than another, but at some point we are all of them.  Try and remember we are all there for the same reason, and most of us don't want to be there, so next time maybe let that parent with the signal on in with a smile and a wave.