One Thing I Hate About Having A Daughter

Being a woman is one of the hardest things in the world. I could list a million different reasons why, but what I find is THE hardest is our image. I don't mean the way we come across, I mean flat out the way we look. What color our hair is, how smooth our legs are, what size breasts we have, our shoe size, and of course the most important to everyone....our weight.

I'll never forget the actual day I started worrying about my weight.  I may have told this story before but it's important.  I was 15 and a sophomore in high school. The guy I was dating at the time called and said he wanted to stop by and say hi real quick. Being 15, nothing made me happier than that. He pulled up in the driveway and I hopped in the passenger seat, he gave me a quick peck and then sat back in his seat. Out of nowhere he said (as he poked me in the stomach) "wow, you're putting on a little weight huh? Might need to do something about that." Now I have to say, I was notorious for dating some real douches in high school (yes mom you were right, AGAIN) but I had never really been worried or concerned with my weight until then. I was mortified and humiliated and remember going in the house and immediately getting on the scale. To clarify I was a size 5, an apparently humongous, gross, size 5. I have had a problem with my self esteem and image ever since then. All because ONE insignificant comment was made by ONE person 14 years ago. Something so small stuck with me and has managed to influence the way I see myself. This is terrifying now that I have a daughter.  

When I found out I was having the girl I wanted so badly I was elated. There was nothing that was more exciting to me. I imagined the dressing up, the barbies, the baby dolls, doing her hair and all the fun stuff. What managed to elude my mind was what she will inevitably deal with as she grows. The pressure to be a girl. To wear the right clothes, do her hair the right way, and yes even be the "right" weight. What worries me even more is that no matter how much I tell her she is beautiful, perfect, smart, and amazing she will still most likely at some point see herself the way others let her, I know because my mom tried to tell me the same things. I am 29 and I STILL have image issues, the same ones that started from that asshole in high school. I don't ever want my daughter to feel any less beautiful because of a number on a scale or on a pair of pants. 

The media, Hollywood, actors, singers models you name it always complain about the pressures of the "business", but who gives into the "business"?  They do. When are the ones that reluctantly influence our young girls the most going to take a stand on what beauty really is?  I am going to do every single thing in my power to make sure my daughter knows that no matter what, she is the most beautiful person in the world, but as long as there are teenage boys, magazines, and whatever else telling her what "beauty" is my uplifting words just might get lost, but I refuse to accept that. I refuse to let anyone influence the way she sees herself. My daughter will always know that beauty is on the inside, and only her opinion matters. I hope someday that is a trend that catches on. The big smile she wears everyday, is the same one I want to continue to see for the rest of my life. Love yourself, be yourself, and don't let anyone change the way you feel about yourself in a negative way. We are all beautiful

Parenting Karma...sorry mom

Karma. Its the one thing most of us look forward to when we have been wronged.  While the idea of it is very straight forward there are different forms of it.  There is the cheating karma, when you have been cheated on and cant wait for that no good asshole to experience it himself.  Driving karma, when the car who is far more important than you cuts you off, and all you want to see him hit the next red light, or watch him get cut off by an Oldsmobile being driven by a couple in their 80's on their way to Sunday brunch.  Those are just a few examples, but when you become a parent the ultimate karma against you is brewing, the one your parents have been waiting for...parenting karma.  If I had to try and make a definition of parenting karma it would be:  Remember what you did to your parents?  Well you're about to get it right back, and possibly worse by those little things you have been protecting.


We all remember what we did to our parents growing up.  The tantrums, coloring on the wall, screaming in public, saying "I don't love you anymore", sneaking out, lying, you can fill in your own blanks.  It was devastating to our parents, we hurt them, and even worse we disappointed them.  Oh yeah you remember how much that stung, it was the WORST to hear that.  While our punishments came in the form of no TV, no radio, no car, no boom box (WHAAAAT), no phone (land line people, land line), what our parents were secretly waiting for was for us to have kids so they could secretly chuckle under their breath.  When I found out I was having a girl I specifically remember my mom saying "Haha yes! oh I hope she is JUST like you" and not in a sweet way like I hope she has your beautiful eyes, no it was like oh I cant wait for her to drive you crazy with her teenage attitude.

While I have been dealing with some small cases of parenting karma (9 year old attitude, 5 year old talking back and 3 year old screaming throw myself on the floor tantrums) my small glimpse of what is to come surfaced yesterday.  Let me give a little back story.

When I was a super cool 17 year old senior in high school, my mom got a brand new car.  Right after she got it she went on a trip and wasn't going to take the car with her.  After some begging, promising, reassuring, and begging again she reluctantly agreed to let me take the car to school for one day.  She gave me the mom speech that I half listened to (I was 17 remember) and off she went on her trip.

That morning I checked my mirrors, clicked my seat belt, put in my No Doubt CD, and lit a cigarette ( I WAS 17 REMEMBER? SUPER COOL).  I puffed along down the road, finished it and threw it out the window.  Five second later my left thigh was burning, the cigarette had come back in a landed on my moms brand new seat, putting a nice burn mark, again on her brand new seat.  I started thinking, I was either going to run away and never come back, make up a story, or hide it.  I thought of buying my mom seat covers, but knew she was too smart for that, so I came up with a foolproof story. 
"I know you told me not to, but I picked up a friend that smoked a cigarette in the car and when he threw it out the window in came back in and landed on my seat" sounded legit to me.  She was understandably pissed off, and by no means believed me.  Cant imagine why.  She was so upset because it was this brand new car and I had gone and ruined it, every time she would get in the car she would be reminded of my careless behavior.  I don't think I was ever allowed to drive that car again. 

Yesterday I experienced my first big parenting karma.  I have been telling my 9 year old some for months not to take his bike out next to my car.  He likes to push in the handle grips exposing the metal.  I tell him EVERY.SINGLE.TIME. and he never listens.  Well yesterday he finally scratched the side of my car with his stupid handlebars, not buff out scratches either, deep metal scratches.  I was so mad I couldn't even yell at him.  In the middle of my lecture I realized I was nearly quoting the lecture I got from my mom when I was 17.  It was in that moment that I knew I am so screwed and am going to so get it the older they get.  So Mom, I'm sorry, and karma gods, please have mercy on me.
Lets just hope I never have to experience my daughter projectile vomiting in the back of my car after her bachelorette party, only to find out the bag she was given had a hole in it....again sorry mom

It's 2015 so WHY are we still doing THIS?

The world has come a long way in terms of acceptance.  Within the last 50 years a lot of things have changed.  Gay people are less afraid of coming out (including celebrities), gay marriage is recognized, we have a black president, medical marijuana is gaining more steam (or smoke if you prefer) in many states, major organizations are less forgiving of domestic violence, and the list goes on.  While all of those things are a great improvement in our way of living, there is one thing that seems to be constant no matter how much time passes, and that thing is "fat-shaming".

I'll never understand what kind of state of mind you have to have to treat anyone overweight like someone that is less human.  Is there really a difference in discriminating a person based on their weight, and discriminating someone based on the color of their skin?  I don't think so.  The whole "sticks and stones may break my bones but words will never hurt" saying is total bullshit.  Have you ever been called fat?  It fucking hurts.  It is just as derogatory as calling a gay person a "fag", or a black person the "n" word.  WHY is this OK?  WHY aren't more parents, teachers, etc. teaching kids that this isn't acceptable?  WHY isn't this talked about more and WHY isn't it more discouraged?

I wouldn't consider myself fat, but I definitely don't have my high school figure, thanks to giving birth to 3 kids, and not working out as much as I should, or eating what I should.  I've been called fat at my job (by angry people) a few times and it has never gotten easier to hear.  Every time it has been some super skinny chick that isn't getting her way, and when calling me a bitch doesn't work (thanks for the compliment), their next dagger of choice is weight.  It works too, it gets me to shut up, OR tell them to get the fuck out, and at that point they smile because they "got" me. 

"Fat-shaming" is almost always in the news, but the past few days it has been out there more.  The two main stories being Kelly Clarkson (try to NOT say that in Steve Carell's voice) and the "Dancing Man".  Kelly Clarkson got married and had a baby and is HAPPY.  WHO CARES if she isn't stick thin?  She is enjoying her new mommy married life and is comfortable in her own skin.  When asked about her weight on "Watch What Happens Live" she responded with "screw em".  Its good she can come out and say that, but do people really think that it doesn't hurt her to hear people comment on her weight gain?  Of course it does!  I like that she isn't in the shadows hiding her figure, or starving herself to promote her new album.  Kelly, I hope right now you are reading those comments (or this) sitting in your bathtub that you have filled full of money, in your mansion laughing.  She is herself and if you don't like it don't fucking look at her, and DON'T hide behind your computer and talk shit either, cowards.

The "Dancing Man" is quite possibly one of the most heartbreaking stories I have read in a while.  This poor guy was out trying to have a good time when some asshole took a picture of him with a horrible caption

The caption states "Spotted this specimen trying to dance the other week.  He stopped when he saw us laughing."

WOW. Just WOW.  That picture is so telling, heartbreaking, and REAL.  In no way should this man feel ashamed of himself for going out and having a good time.  Nobody knows his story and NOBODY has the right to judge him.  What if he has a medical condition? What if he suffers from depression? The list can go on and on, but the main question is WHY THE FUCK IS IT ANYONES BUSINESS? Oh yeah IT ISN'T.  Rock on dude, I think you're awesome.

We need to stop.  We need to keep moving forward and make "fat-shaming" a thing of the past, just like so many things before it.

If someone puts you down, or makes you feel bad about yourself for whatever reason just remember this for every person that puts you down, for whatever reason, is only exposing THEIR insecurities.  No one that has a happy content and fulfilling life says mean things to other people for the fun of it.

The Dog Collar

I don't care who you are, if you are in a relationship you have fights.  If you say you don't, you're lying, and if you REALLY don't well then you're just a freak.  I'm not one to ever really air my "dirty laundry" but in this case it was far too relateable not to share.

We recently moved from one unit to another.  It was stressful trying to pack and move with 3 kids, work, and a time limit even though we literally moved about 100 feet.  We did everything in such a hurry that things were thrown in boxes, not labeled and put wherever they would fit in the new place.  That was 2 months ago.

Lately I have found myself looking for things, like lots of things, and can't find them anywhere.  My husband and I organize VERY differently.  My organization may look messy to others but I know where all of my stuff is.  My husband on the other hand can't stand clutter, and therefore we clash when it comes to the way we organize the house.  About a week ago I noticed ALL of my hoodies were missing.  My husband said they were probably in the storage shed outside and he would look the next day.  A week went by, still no hoodies.  Then last night I needed our new dog collar (that I bought before we moved) and asked him where it was, same answer probably outside in the shed.  For whatever reason this set off an argument (which I started).  I asked when exactly he was going to go out there and start getting our stuff out.  OK I know what you're thinking, why don't I just go out to the damn shed and get it myself?  Funny you ask that because my husband asked the same thing.  The reason?  I don't do bugs, more like spiders.  I'm insanely afraid of them, and swear no matter what there is constantly one lurking just waiting for me.

This somehow turned into you don't do this, and you don't do that, why don't you do this, and why don't you do that.  Remember this started because of a dog collar.  Then as with most arguments we got off the subject and started fighting about things that happened last week, and up to months ago.  Both trying to one up each other the argument just got worse and worse.  Now he changed his mind and insisted it was in the house and I told him no way I already looked, it had to be out there.  Finally after saying for the 10th time that he said he was going to get my hoodies out of the shed for over a week now, he goes to the shed.  While he's out there I started honestly trying to remember what we were fighting about.  I couldn't.  He came back in the house empty handed (I'm not sure he was looking but just humoring me), then he started looking in cabinets.  I asked what he was doing, he said looking for the stupid collar.  Then it hit me, the stupid collar, that's how this started?  A fucking dog collar?  A $7 dog collar?  Wow.

We were both under an insane amount of stress, I had been tired from working graveyard the night before, and he has been working 16 hours a day 6 days a week for a month and a half, oh and our oldest was suffering from a stomach bug.  I think we both realized how stupid it all was.  We were fighting at that point just to fight.  Just to get the stress of life out.  Its healthy in a non healthy sort of way.  Why an argument over a dog collar got as big as it did doesn't matter, it shouldn't have happened, and it sure shouldn't have happened at midnight.  He apologized, I apologized we went to bed.

In the morning the question still lingered.  Where was that stupid collar?  I asked our oldest son if he had seen it.  Nope he said, then "Oh its in the bag in the sun room, Daddy put it there when he was clearing out the sun room. 

Yes that paper bag right there.  It was in there the entire time.  So who was right?  Was it inside or outside?  I guess it doesn't matter, but of course I like to say TECHNICALLY it was outside.  I sent this to him after I found it.

After we have a fight we like to make fun of it, it nice that we can both laugh and joke about the situation.  Humor and the ability to realize when we are wrong is what has kept us together as long as it has.  If you want to stay happy you have to be able to take a joke and laugh at yourself. 

Moral of the story?  Fighting is inevitable in a relationship, but try to stay on the subject (even if its a $7 collar).  Oh and always check the sun room.

Now seriously where are my hoodies