Parenting Karma...sorry mom

Karma. Its the one thing most of us look forward to when we have been wronged.  While the idea of it is very straight forward there are different forms of it.  There is the cheating karma, when you have been cheated on and cant wait for that no good asshole to experience it himself.  Driving karma, when the car who is far more important than you cuts you off, and all you want to see him hit the next red light, or watch him get cut off by an Oldsmobile being driven by a couple in their 80's on their way to Sunday brunch.  Those are just a few examples, but when you become a parent the ultimate karma against you is brewing, the one your parents have been waiting for...parenting karma.  If I had to try and make a definition of parenting karma it would be:  Remember what you did to your parents?  Well you're about to get it right back, and possibly worse by those little things you have been protecting.


We all remember what we did to our parents growing up.  The tantrums, coloring on the wall, screaming in public, saying "I don't love you anymore", sneaking out, lying, you can fill in your own blanks.  It was devastating to our parents, we hurt them, and even worse we disappointed them.  Oh yeah you remember how much that stung, it was the WORST to hear that.  While our punishments came in the form of no TV, no radio, no car, no boom box (WHAAAAT), no phone (land line people, land line), what our parents were secretly waiting for was for us to have kids so they could secretly chuckle under their breath.  When I found out I was having a girl I specifically remember my mom saying "Haha yes! oh I hope she is JUST like you" and not in a sweet way like I hope she has your beautiful eyes, no it was like oh I cant wait for her to drive you crazy with her teenage attitude.

While I have been dealing with some small cases of parenting karma (9 year old attitude, 5 year old talking back and 3 year old screaming throw myself on the floor tantrums) my small glimpse of what is to come surfaced yesterday.  Let me give a little back story.

When I was a super cool 17 year old senior in high school, my mom got a brand new car.  Right after she got it she went on a trip and wasn't going to take the car with her.  After some begging, promising, reassuring, and begging again she reluctantly agreed to let me take the car to school for one day.  She gave me the mom speech that I half listened to (I was 17 remember) and off she went on her trip.

That morning I checked my mirrors, clicked my seat belt, put in my No Doubt CD, and lit a cigarette ( I WAS 17 REMEMBER? SUPER COOL).  I puffed along down the road, finished it and threw it out the window.  Five second later my left thigh was burning, the cigarette had come back in a landed on my moms brand new seat, putting a nice burn mark, again on her brand new seat.  I started thinking, I was either going to run away and never come back, make up a story, or hide it.  I thought of buying my mom seat covers, but knew she was too smart for that, so I came up with a foolproof story. 
"I know you told me not to, but I picked up a friend that smoked a cigarette in the car and when he threw it out the window in came back in and landed on my seat" sounded legit to me.  She was understandably pissed off, and by no means believed me.  Cant imagine why.  She was so upset because it was this brand new car and I had gone and ruined it, every time she would get in the car she would be reminded of my careless behavior.  I don't think I was ever allowed to drive that car again. 

Yesterday I experienced my first big parenting karma.  I have been telling my 9 year old some for months not to take his bike out next to my car.  He likes to push in the handle grips exposing the metal.  I tell him EVERY.SINGLE.TIME. and he never listens.  Well yesterday he finally scratched the side of my car with his stupid handlebars, not buff out scratches either, deep metal scratches.  I was so mad I couldn't even yell at him.  In the middle of my lecture I realized I was nearly quoting the lecture I got from my mom when I was 17.  It was in that moment that I knew I am so screwed and am going to so get it the older they get.  So Mom, I'm sorry, and karma gods, please have mercy on me.
Lets just hope I never have to experience my daughter projectile vomiting in the back of my car after her bachelorette party, only to find out the bag she was given had a hole in it....again sorry mom

It Was Just Two Stores

I have been waiting for today for a few months. It is Record Store Day and there is a limited edition Metallica cassette tape that I have been wanting to snag for my husband. I called around and most places were sold out, except for one about 20 minutes from my house. My husband works Saturdays and I work graveyard Friday night so I am normally pretty exhausted when I get home and have the house and kids to myself. I have pretty much sworn off venturing out with my children alone because most of the time when we enter public they turn into monsters. Since it was a special day, and I wanted to do something special for my husband I gave it another shot. What a great idea it was.

It took 10 minutes to get out the door, kind of a record. Great start I thought. Everyone got in their seats, got buckled up and away we went. The car ride was pleasant, uneventful, and surprisingly calm. No "he's looking at me!" "I didn't bring the right pal (stuffed animal)!" Or even a "I have to peeeeee nooooow!"  

We get to the record store that has a parking lot full of merchandise. Records, collectibles, and toys. Oh great, old collectible valuable toys. The kids didn't see them so we walked into the record store to get the cassette. The store was about the size of a bedroom MAYBE 10'x10' and FULL of people. Everyone was walking all over each other and the kids decided to start playing hide and go seek, hiding being crates or records and oh you know people. In my nice voice I tried to laugh it off "oh come on guys don't do that". Nothing, just giggling and hiding. "Guuuuuys come on, get over here."  Still nothing, at this point Brody had his face about 6 inches away from some poor guys butt (a fart would have taught him a lesson). Now it was time to increase the tone, using what I call the warning tone. The warning tone is a tone slightly louder than your normal tone but with a little more clenched teeth. "GUYS, that's ENOUGH." My kids know the warning tone. They stopped and we started walking back to the car. Almost made it to the car when my 9

Year old yells to my 5 and 3 year olds "HEYYY TOYS!! LOOK GUYS! TOYS!!" Ugh thanks. I spent the next 15 minutes trying to keep them from touching everything, taking off with something (one might call it stealing) or stepping on stuff. "What can we get?" They ask. "Nothing" I reply. The two youngest start crying in unison and my oldest starts huffing and puffing "how come youuu always get something?" "I never get anything" "this is boring" "why can't I get anything?"  I didn't respond because I was trying to keep from launching into a "why can't you appreciate the things you have" speech. 

We get in the car and I spot a store I had been wanting to stop in. At a red light I turn around and look at my kids. All calm now, sitting quietly again. "Ok I can do this", I say to myself. "You got this Brittany". I pull into a parking spot, take a deep breath and get out. The kids were good all the way to the front of the store where the carts were lined up. I put my 3 year old in the front of the cart and my 5 year old on the big part of the cart. Instantly the crying started. "I wanna sit in the big kid paaaaaart WAAAAAHHHH". I should have just walked back to the car and left, but I put her in the big part of the cart and went inside.

It took about three minutes before the whining started. Being a Saturday it was packed. People were rude and blocking every aisle and it was hard to move around, because of this I had to maneuver close to the clothing racks. That of course was when the grabbing started, like my kids were playing Supermarket Sweep. It didn't matter why it was they were grabbing it and putting it in the cart. "STOP" I said between my very clenched teeth. Nothing. They didn't even take me seriously enough to stop laughing. 

I don't know if you ever stop and listen to children's conversations but I guarantee you that if they are ever going to make something up that is mortifying about you, it will be in public. While looking at the underwear and bras my 5 year old says "ooooo, I bet mommy is looking at that for her booooyfriend" as I'm wearing my wedding ring. Then in unison my 3 and 5 year old start chanting "mommy has a boyfriend, mommy has a boyfriend!"  I look up to an older woman staring at me, "ha ha kids" I say to her. She looks away. "Guys stop, I don't have a boyfriend I'm married to daddy!" I say with a nervous OMG tone. "Then who was the guy that came over while daddy was at work?" Brody (5) says in a teasing tone. "That was the guy to fix the refrigerator silly, you know that." "Noooo mommy has a boyfriend, mommy has a boyfriend!" They start chanting again  The woman looks up again this time with a judgemental look and a raised eyebrow. "It was the repair guy, heh, kids." It really was the friggen repair guy. I'm not sure why I felt the need to explain myself to the stranger but she walked away and probably called me a Hussy under her breath. 

My final straw was when my oldest grabbed a huge pair of granny pantie underwear and asked "is this too small, or just right?" "Seriously?" I asked, "I've had enough lets go."  That of course started the unison crying, "whyyyyyyy, nooooo!"  Now people all around the store were starting to look. I get in line about the same time everyone else in the world also decided to get in line and we start waiting. Like most young potty trained kids when they see a sign for a bathroom in a store they must use it. It's like kids have a secret list of all the bathrooms in the world and need to visit and use them all, no matter what. In the middle of the 18 person line (no joke I counted) Brody spots the bathroom sign. "Umm mommy? I have to use the bathroom." "No you don't Brody." "Yes I dooooo, I really really dooooo" "well you're going to have to hold it, we are too deep in line to get out." But *insert crying and loud wailing* I HA-HAVE TO GOOOOO WAAAAHHHHH I HAVE TO GOOOOOO". "Ok just a sec." "NOOOOOOOOOOOO!" 

I knew I needed a distraction and luckily there were some sand toys right in front of me. I grabbed them "oooooh looooook! You guys needed these! Here you go!" Magically Brody didn't have to pee anymore (told you) and it was quiet again. Those sand toys could have been $100 and I would have bought them at that point. 

We make it to the front and while I'm unloading the cart the little ones start fighting (again). Elle ends up slamming Brody's fingers in the part of the cart where the metal collapses on itself. He of course screams bloody murder, everyone is looking at us, whispering to each other, or both. "THAT WASNT NICE ELLE! SHIT!" I say. "Yeah shit!" Brody says "shit" says Elle. 

Mom of the year right here. Have a great weekend everyone!

 

Pretty much how I felt when I got home

Having A Baby is Giving Birth, No Matter What

While browsing my Facebook this morning I encountered the above picture.  It was attached to a page that I will NOT be promoting. In fact I blanked out their logo as well.
Someone posted it on one of my mom groups, not in favor of it, but obviously out of shock.  At first glace, seeing a picture of a belly with a c-section scar makes me feel empowered.  It is a battle scar, a scar that serves as a reminder to me that I carried and gave life to all of my children through it.  I don't know anyone personally that has ever judged a person by their choice in giving birth.  Some people like to give birth in tubs, some at home, some outside (have you seen that new show?), some in a hospital, some with drugs, some without, etc.  Every woman has an ideal scenario of how they want to bring their children into the world, but sometimes it just isn't in the cards.  Sometimes things happen that are out of our control.

I was in labor with my first son for 16 hours, fully dilated, when he went into distress.  His heart rate dropped all the way to the 40's every time I tried to push.  The doctors really did try everything.  Different positions, clamps, suction, you name it, but at one point his heart rate wasn't recovering after I pushed.  It was at that time that I had an emergency c-section, so much of an emergency that I didn't have a chance to get the proper amount of drugs to numb the lower half of my body.  I remember the doctor pressing the scalpel on my thigh and asking if I could feel it, I replied with "yes" to which he replied "we don't have time, he needs to come out NOW" and with that I felt my stomach being cut open.  I remember feeling like I was outside of my body, I could hear myself scream in a way I had never heard before.  The staff was trying to calm me down, pushing meds into my IV.  I felt them plop my newborn in between my legs, I remember it being warm, and then I finally went numb, just in time to be sewn and stapled back together.  It was an experience unlike any other, and I for sure did not choose it.  However, it was necessary to save my son.

So I would like someone to tell me how I "got lucky" in having a c-section.  If that's luck then I'm not interested.  The bottom line is no matter how it is done, giving birth is a beautiful and special thing.  Not everyone has the opportunity either, so people should really watch their words.  One day women will stop judging and competing with each other and support and empower one another.  I look forward to that day.

In the meantime I say this, bringing a baby (or babies) into this world is a beautiful thing, and no one should ever be judged for the way they choose (or don't choose) to do so.  Be proud of your achievement, your body, your stretch marks, your scars, and so on.  I know I am

My kids said "Mommy" 67 times yesterday

There always seems to be a competition among mothers that stay home versus moms that go to work.  Who does more, whats harder, whats better for the kids, blah blah blah.  This isn't about that, this is for the people who wonder just what stay at home moms do (when we aren't watching soaps and vegging out on the couch....of course).

I tell my husband every day that i swear I hear "mommy" over 100 times a day, and also feel that I repeat myself constantly.  I am also bombarded with strange questions that I'm not even sure how to answer, on top of multiple daily meltdowns.  I thought it would be interesting to see just how often my kids said the same thing, how often I said the same thing, and just what my day is really like, so I kept a log.  I didn't log the happy stuff, because, well that's just not as fun!

While I'm not going to sit here and write about every minute of my day, I thought the results of my log would be enjoyable to others, so here you go. 

Between my 3 kids the amount of times they said the following:

"Mommy":67
"Can we have a snack?: 15
"I'm thirsty": 7
"I want chocolate": 4
"I don't want that snack": 4 (see above for answer)
"I need help": 11
"NO! I GOT IT!": 6
"I'm trying!": 5
"What are we having for lunch?":4
"When are we having lunch?": 4
"When are we having dinner?": 5
"Whats for dinner?: 7
"Stop it!": 13
"Mine!": 15
"I don't want to share!": 11
"Gimme that!": 6
"I don't want to!": 6

I was also asked if the rain is the way people who live in the forest shower, and if I have ever heard of a singer named Weird Owl


Now this is the number of times I said the following:

"What/Yeah?": 67
"Don't touch the tree!":17
"Will you stop?": 10
"Enough": 7
"Stop": 14
"No": 22
"Be Nice": 14
"Guys please I'm on the phone": 4
"Stop screaming": 16
"Share": 11
"I said share": 11
"Don't go in my room": 3
"Get out of my room": 3
"Its not lunch time": 4
"Don't stand on that":3
"Pick up the Legos": 7
"I said pick up the Legos": 7
"Sit down": 13
"Don't run": 8
"Leave him alone": 6
"Leave her alone": 9
"Don't touch that": 8
"Get that out of your mouth": 5



Oh and there were also a total of 4 throw myself on the ground, slam my door, "Its not fair", screaming, crying tantrums.

5 if you count me

So if anyone ever asks you what you do all day, you can share this or keep your own log and watch their reaction

                      

The 5 Types of Pick-Up and Drop-Off Parents

If you have school age children then you know the struggle of your morning.  Getting up before you want to, making breakfast for cranky children that always includes at least one "I didn't want THAT for breakfast!", fighting to get everyone dressed, trying to find matching shoes in a hurry (where DO they go??) and the inevitable fight over who is going to get in the car first.  Most of this is done before you get to enjoy your first cup of coffee, unless you want to get up even earlier than you didn't want to in the first place.  However, by the time you enter the 1 mile radius to the school everything else looks like a piece of cake, because parents trying to drop their kids off at school are a million times worse than your cranky children in the morning.

There are several types of morning drop off parents, I'll break them down and then you can decide which category you fit into

1. The Wow its a Beautiful Morning Parent:  These parents are rare and few and far between.  This is a parent that woke up on the best part of the bed and has had an amazing morning that they want to share with everyone.  Their children were probably unusually behaved, ate their breakfast quietly, got dressed without hassle, and were ready to go before the parent was.  In the drop off this parent will willingly wave you ahead of them in line, smiling as they do it, wave to the crossing guard, and even use their turn signals.  Like I said RARE

2.  The Zombie Parent:  This parent is just going through the motions of the morning routine.  Kids act the same way every single day, they aren't particularly having a good or a bad morning, just a normal to them morning.  They are alert enough to get their kids safely to school, but are oblivious to your turn signals.  They either don't drink coffee, or don't get up early enough to enjoy it.

3. The Screw This Morning Parent:  This parent usually has most things under control in the mornings but is having an unusual start to the day.  Either the alarm clock didn't go off, one of the kids spilled an entire gallon of milk on the floor, the toaster burned all the toast, or the coffee machine just broke.  This parent doesn't do well without structure and is completely frazzled.  At least one child is probably wearing two different socks.  This parent will give you the "please just let me in!!" look, will try to use their signal until finally giving up and having to pull out in front of someone, and is most likely to roll down the window, wave and scream "YOU'RE WELCOME!!" to someone they were nice enough to let in, but was not thanked or even acknowledged

4.  The Hey We Made It On Time Today! Parent:  This parent likes to sleep in and has absolutely no expectations of getting to school before the final warning bell rings.  This parent rushes everyone through breakfast, has everyones clothes out and lunches made the night before, and a timer on their coffee pot just so they can get those 10 extra minutes of sleep.  If they happen to get to school while other people are still dropping their kids off they are pretty relaxed.  They don't use their signals (mostly because there is hardly anyone around), they take their time saying goodbye to their kids, and will sit and drink their coffee while watching their kids walk into the school until they are no longer visible.  They are a very controlled chaotic drop off parent.

5.  The I'm Way More Important Than You Parent:  This parent is always just an asshole.  Even though they get up with more than enough time to have their coffee, get dressed and probably put make up on,  their children always listen to them, and are out the door at the exact same time every single day, their social skills are lacking.  This parent weaves in and out of traffic, pretends not to see your turn signal (or you), speeds around you to get that spot you were eyeing (every day), pulls out in front of anyone at any time, NEVER EVER uses a turn signal, and is usually your school year enemy.  They can sense a #3 parent and prey on them, and are usually the type a #3 parent has to roll down the window and yell at, in the event they even waited to be invited to be let in.

I'll admit I have been all of these drop off parents.  Sometimes I am more one than another, but at some point we are all of them.  Try and remember we are all there for the same reason, and most of us don't want to be there, so next time maybe let that parent with the signal on in with a smile and a wave.

I should really watch my mouth around my children

What is it about children and their memory?

It is a typical day after school, the kids are fighting, asking for snacks, and complaining that they cant watch T.V.  This is an everyday occurrence.  The same thing, with the same results, every.single.day.  In addition to that is the questions that pop out of nowhere, most of the time thanks to my 9 year old.  This is how it goes:

Son: When am I going to get my retainer?
Me: What are you talking about? (As I'm struggling to get the younger kids in the house)
S: When am I going to get my retainer?  You said I was
M: When did I say that?
S: A few months ago

Here is another example from a recent conversation:

S: Am I going to get a Happy Meal today?
M: NO! Why would I buy you a Happy Meal?
S: You said I could get one
M: When did I say you could get one?
S: You said if I could get 100% on my first 2 spelling tests I could get a Happy Meal
M: No I didn't say that
S: Yes you did!
M: WHEN
S: Before school started

My 4 year old son and 2 year old daughter have also followed suit, I'll translate:

Son: When are we going to Gavin's house?
Daughter: Yeah we go Gavin house
Me: I don't know
S: (already crying) you said we were going to go!!
M: No I didn't!
S: YES YOU DID! You said we were going to go on Tuesday
D: (now crying as well) I want to go see Fifa!!
M: When did I say we were going to go on Tuesday
S: last week
D: I WANT TO SEE FIFA!!



I am constantly confused by my children.  How in the world do they remember this stuff?  Sometimes I wonder if I really say these things, or if they are just messing with me because I can't remember what I did yesterday.  Am I that forgetful when it comes to these things?  Is it a mom thing?  I know a lot of times when the kids start bugging me over and over about something I say "yeah, sure" just to get them to stop, but I'm not really expecting them to remember!  It seems just like us parents have selective hearing, children also have selective memory.  This is why I should no longer talk to my children when I am in the middle of something OR before I have had my coffee.


These are a list of things I wish they WOULD remember:

• Closing the door when they use the bathroom
• Putting the seat up
• Putting the seat DOWN
• Peeing IN the toilet
• Being quieter when I pick up the phone not louder
• Putting their dishes in the sink
• Not bringing food in their room
• Knocking before coming into my room
• Letting me use the bathroom alone
• Stop pulling the cats tail
• Don't throw things
• Don't throw things at each other
• No T.V. until homework is done
• I have to get everyone in the door before we can talk about snacks
• Mommy is mean before coffee

Did I miss anything?

My mother, my rock

"Mother: a woman in relation to a child or children to whom she has given birth."

This may be the official definition but it hardly applies to my mother because she is so much more. 

My mom has gone above and beyond for me my entire life. Having a childhood with a single mom for some children is a difficult thing to go through. It is stressful, hard, and can be unenjoyable. I think for those children it is because the children are witness to the tough times and see their mothers (or fathers) breakdown wondering where the next meal is going to come from or how the rent is going to be paid. Not me. While my mom had her struggles, and for sure had to deal with the problems above, she never let me onto the fact that there was anything wrong. I never had any indication that things were bad at times, and that we were struggling and because of that I had an amazing childhood. No matter what there was always somethingn to eat, we went and did things and always found a way to have fun. 

My mom worked her ass off when I was little. She may not have always worked jobs she liked but she did it for me, not for herself but for ME.  She gave up most of her young adult life because she cared more about being a mom than being a woman in her 20's. 

I have always appreciated my mom, but I never understood just how hard it was for her until I became a mother. Being a mom is a wonderful thing but holy crap is it hard. I am married now with three kids and I could never imagine doing this alone. I don't think I would ever be strong enough to take that on on my own.  I would probably be in a psych ward by now. But that is the difference between my mother and I and one of the main things I have always admired about her...her undeniable strength and her amazing outlook on life. 

My mom is 100% an optimist and I am 100% a pessimist. I suppose it is a good balance because everytime I am having a breakdown about something (often because I am the queen of the "what-ifs")  my mom tells me not to worry and that things always have a way of working themselves out. I realize now that that is the mentality that got her through the hard times. Her optimism got her through those moments if doubt. It's the philosophy she lived her life by and what made her able to keep it together through the hard times (including my horribly disrespectful and wild teenage years). 

I think one of the best things I learned from my childhood is to never let your children know there is something wrong. Kids don't need to know, kids need the opportunity to be care-free and not start out as worry warts because it could be something that follows them into their adulthood. 

I believe there are many things that happened in my life that caused my severe anxiety, but not for a second do I think it has anything to do with the way I grew up. I wouldn't have traded my childhood for anything. 

To this day my mom continues to be my rock. There will never be anyone else that can make me feel the way she does. She is always there to give me great advice, sit through my babbling cry-filled breakdowns, stop me from second guessing my parenting choices, and most importantly remind me daily that I am a great person and mother and that no matter what the situation I WILL get through it.  Even if I made decisions she may not have agreed with she always supported me unconditionally, and if my decision blew up in my face she was and continues to be there to help me pick up the pieces. She is everything to me and I try to show her that as much as I can. I hope to someday be as strong as she is, but in the meantime it means the world to me that she is strong for both of us. 

I love you mom and thank you for always being there for me no matter what. 

Why I love grocery shopping with my kids.....

The grocery store, its my sanity, my alone time, and the one thing I look forward to doing.  That is, until today.

I woke up this morning and the cupboards were bare, the fridge was basically empty, and there was a lone frozen waffle in the freezer.  Being the great mother I am I decided it was time to go grocery shopping.  The only problem?  My husband was at work, so that meant I either let the kids go hungry all day or I buck up, get the kids and myself dressed and take all 3 of them WITH ME.  Yes 3 kids alone in the grocery store.  Fun.

Before I unbuckled all of them I looked into their eyes and said "we are going into the store now, don't ask me for this, or that, don't try to run off, don't cry when I say no, and please PLEASE don't make me yell at you"  All three of them looked me in the eye and simply said "OK".  My kids are liars.

The first 5 minutes were fine, we went through the produce department with no problems.  I got the things I needed and moved onto the hot dog/lunchable area.  Braden starts "ooooo I want one! Can I get one?? Please can I get just one??" "Fine" I said "just one." My first mistake.  One of the rules of grocery shopping (or any kind of shopping for that matter) is when you get one thing for one of them then they ALL have to have one.  Elle starts yelling "mine mine mine!" then Brody.  I had to think fast, then I got it, the bakery!  Who doesn't remember going shopping with their mom and stopping at the bakery for a free cookie?  I said "Who wants a cookie?" in unison they all yell "MEEEEEEE!" Great off to the bakery we go, everyone got a GIANT cookie and I continued on my way.

The next five minutes were quiet, and it was so nice, until Braden did the unthinkable to Brody.  I am looking at the pasta aisle and hear a blood curdling scream behind me.  I turn around and Braden, brace yourself, BROKE.BRODY'S.COOKIE.IN.HALF.  That's right, right in half.  Brody is very particular about things, he likes everything a certain way, he is a little OCD courtesy of me, so to him this was the end of the world.   I looked at Braden with you know "the look" because he knows not to mess with Brody and he looked back at me with the "oh shit" look.  I tried to calm Brody down but it wasn't working.  He was pissed, crying, screaming, having a complete meltdown.  People were looking at me probably thinking I was killing him.  Then a lady said "Um excuse me, your daughter" I turned around and there's Elle standing straight up in the cart with the proudest look on her face.  I said thank you, sat Elle back down, grabbed Brody and just started walking away.

I finally calmed Brody down after a few minutes (basically by letting him yell to Braden "THAT WASN'T NICE BEEDEN!) and was now rushing through my shop.  Things were going downhill and fast.  Shopping is normally a thing that takes me a few hours, I like to compare products, prices, etc. so I take my time to try and spend as little as possible.  Not today.  I looked crazy throwing things in the basket, not even stopping, just slowing down enough to grab things off the shelves.  Then came the frozen aisles.  They were all yelling for different things "pizza! waffles! corn dogs! ice cream!" so pretty much anything they saw they wanted (remember in the beginning they said they wouldn't do that? yeah.) Braden keeps opening and closing the doors and saying "oh we need this!" to EVERYTHING. I finally stopped him, got real close, and in my quietest most stern voice said "Stop opening and closing everything and STOP asking for stuff".  There I thought, that set him straight, I'm totally winning now.

As I was looking at the vegetables I hear boxes start falling.  I didn't even want to look.  I knew what I was going to see.  I slowly glance over and theres Braden watching frozen pizza after frozen pizza fall to the ground with Brody laughing hysterically.  I just stood there, in shock.  How did this happen?? I WAS WINNING! I gave him another look (which obviously doesn't work but whatever) and he quietly and slowly started putting the pizzas back.  I didn't yell, I didn't even talk, I just let him pick them up and started asking God, Mary, and Baby Jesus, to give me the strength to get through the rest of this trip without having my own meltdown.  It didn't work.  We made it to the next aisle so I could get cheese and Elle starts picking up the frozen boxes and LICKING THEM. Every time I would take one away she would grab another.  Ugh so gross, I had no choice but to give her a stern "NO!" that was it, she lost it.  She started screaming crying and trying to get out of the cart.  I had one thing left to get, paper towels.  I could have left without them but I was going to get those paper towels dammit.  We make it to the paper towels, I'm winning again, they wont fit in the cart so I ask Braden to hold them.  Brody loses it HE wants to hold them.  So there I am in the paper towel aisle, Elle crying, and now Braden and Brody fighting over who gets to hold the single paper towel roll.  I felt it coming, I was no longer winning again, I had held it in this long but couldn't anymore.  At the top of my lungs I yelled "WOULD YOU GUYS KNOCK IT OFF ALREADY???" "ENOUGH! THAT'S ENOUGH!!" They all stopped and stared at me, yep they did it, they made mommy that crazy lady in the store with the kids, we all know THAT mom, and today it was me.  People were peaking around the aisle corners, the pharmacist looked up, and even the meat guy were all stopping what they were doing to get a look at the crazy lady.  I was so embarrassed, no make that mortified, I needed to get out of there.  Braden gave Brody the paper towel roll, Elle stopped crying, and we made our way to the checkout.

The cashier looked at me, visibly frazzled and said, "long day?" I just smirked instead of saying something smart ass like I wanted to.  I felt like I was winning again so I decided to treat myself to a small Starbucks, I earned that.  The kids were quiet, groceries were paid for,  and I was about to enjoy a hard earned coffee, I won.  I did it I won! HA!  I turned my back to the kids to pay for my Starbucks and I hear a man behind me "um excuse me ma'am, um excuse me" I turned around to see what this man needed and Elle was missing a shoe standing straight up in the cart again, and Brody was starting to pull down his pants saying "I have go potty".

I lost.

First morning of school

I'm not sure what it is about the first day of school that brings the absolute worst in people, but it never ceases to amaze me every single year.

Look ladies (mostly) we All need a parking space, we ALL need to find our kids class, we ALL need to maneuver through the other clueless parents and children, and we ALL haven't had nearly enough coffee yet.

Its one of those things that most of us parents don't want to be there, the first day is always chaos but it would be nicer if everyone realized that and was just nice and helpful. Everyone is just flat out rude on the first day, they and their children are way more important than you DUH! I was cut off multiple times, had two parking spots stolen from me, people flat out REFUSED to let myself and my three children (one of which was in a stroller) cross the street, I was stepped on, and Brody was even pushed a few times.

We were having trouble finding the line for Braden to line up.   I walked through the lines about 3 times reading ever paper looking for his teachers name, couldn't find it.  As I am weaving in and out of kids and parents looking for this teachers name I realize Braden is GONE.  He was happily running around with a friend from last year like we had nothing better to do.  Now I'm not the kind of mother that wakes up 4 hours early to do my hair and make-up to drop my kid off at school.  I'm a throw-my-hair-up-in-a-bun-big sunglasses-sweats-while-clutching-my-coffee kind of girl.  But today being the first day of school I put on jeans, yes JEANS, since it was a special occasion I got dressy (Kidding).  Being in the OC this is almost a no no.  Most of these women hire a personal make-up/hair/stylist as part of their daily routine, I swear.  I got dirty looks if I asked for help (or eye rolling..totally my favorite) like I was some kind of idiot, maybe it was because I looked like a ragged crazy woman, even borderline homeless at this point.  Not only did I look crazy but now I was "that mother" clutching her three year old, pushing a stroller and yelling at my oldest to "get back here" "I'm serious" "get over here" "we don't have time for that right now" "I SAID GET OVER HERE" "STOP RUNNING OFF" add about 12 exclamation points after every phrase and say it increasingly louder with more agitation as you go on.  Finally after I was sweating my ass off, stressed out, and on the verge of screaming "WHAT IS WRONG WITH YOU PEOPLE HELP MEEEEEEE????" I found another parent who also couldn't find the stupid class line.  We searched and searched and along the way found 2 other parents also all looking for the same class.  We found it, it was posted on a CHAIR in the middle of tons of screaming running children.  GREAT place for it. 

Braden got in his line and waited to enter his classroom while I tried to compose myself, then OF COURSE I run into my neighbor.  I must have been looking awesome because she literally had to do a double take when she saw me.  Knowing I was stressed and sweating the first thing I said was "wow its hot today huh?" Oh yeah Brittany nice one its a scorching 76 today. She said "yeah sure is"with that "back away slowly" look in her eye, like I was a rabid animal.  In her defense she was probably pretty close.  We talked a little more, found out our kids are in the same class, and then went on our way. 

Sooooo I guess you could say the first morning was a major success.....cant wait for the first after school pick-up of the year yaaaaaaaaaay