I'm a better parent than you

Ever get the feeling when you are talking to another parent that they are doing nothing but trying to outdo you or your child?

You: Timmy just counted to 10 yesterday!

Other parent: Oh that's great! Johnny can count up to 20 now....

You: Timmy got student of the month!

Other parent: Johnny has gotten it twice already this year

You get the point, and yes we all know someone that has done it.  You have maybe done it too either intentionally or unintentionally.  It seems that there is such a competition these days to be the best, and make sure that everyone knows it.  Everyone thinks they are the best parent in the world based on the decisions they make, and that's true, to a degree.  You ARE the best parent to YOUR child.  No one can raise your children better than you.  One of the many things I have learned from having children is that there is no such thing as a perfect parent, it just doesn't exist, but you need to trust that the decisions you are making are the best ones for you.  You also need to remember that what may work for you may not work for everyone else, because that is what can make you too opinionated for even your closest friends.  Here are the things we need to stop imposing our personal opinions on other parents (unless they ask for advice).

1.  Breastfeeding

I am a huge breastfeeding advocate.  I think it is healthy, beneficial, and of course free.  It was my choice, but that doesn't mean you are wrong if you choose not to.  Like all of the topics I will cover this one gets people crazy.  I have actually seen people attack others for choosing to formula feed instead of breastfeed.  Saying things like "selfish" "you don't care about the health of your baby" or even "formula is poison! you are feeding your baby poison!!".  Seriously?  How a woman decides to feed her baby is entirely HER decision, it is a decision she has thought long and hard about and has come to the conclusion that is best for HER.  No one has any right to tell a new mom how she should feed her baby, or question the first major decision she has made regarding her baby.  You can be pro breastfeeding without making others feel like crap.  So unless an opinion is asked of you, keep your negativity to yourself (and your possibly insane comments)

2.  Vaccinations

Oh man this is a crazy one.  Within the last 10 years more and more parents are choosing not to vaccinate their children due to the fear of Autism and the level of mercury used to preserve the vaccines.  Parents with Autism swear that vaccinations are to blame, which started a panic.  Now I don't know one way or another, but I would never discredit or attack a person whose views may differ from mine.   One of the people most seem to "blame" is Jenny McCarthy (who I love).  Sure she has been the most outspoken celebrity against vaccines, but so what?  Who is anyone to judge the way she decides to take care of HER child?  I saw it first hand the other day when I responded to a tweet she had written.  She posted a funny picture and under the comments one guy started laying into her saying how she is responsible for killing children, diseases coming back, and called her a "fucking moron" among other things.  The first thing that popped in my head was why the hell does this guy follow someone he hates?  The second is this person has no business attacking the way she parents.  Choosing to vaccinate or not vaccinate YOUR child should be based on YOUR research.  It is ridiculous to "single out" (ha ha see what I did there? huh? huh?) one person based on their beliefs.  Its not like she is the only one to speak out against vaccinations.  It is OK to disagree, but you don't need to be an ass about it.

3. Car Seats

One thing as parents we can all agree on is wanting to keep our children as safe as possible.  One of the best defenses in doing so, are car seats.  Now when my mom was a baby, they didn't have car seats, my car seat was like a bucket with straps, and even my sister had one of those with the huge bar across the front.  Now there are car seats with airbags, I'm not kidding, because I own two of them.  When I had my first son 8 1/2 years ago you were supposed to rear face the car seat for at least one year.  Same when I had my second son 4 years ago.  Now it is recommended to rear face for at least 2 years, but they say to do it as long as possible.  My daughter just turned 2 this month and on her birthday I turned her forward.  It was my own educated decision that I am comfortable with.  There are many out there who DO NOT agree with that, and its fine, but to be honest I am tired of seeing these horribly anger and profanity laced "debates" about it.  Much like the breastfeeding debate, people get nuts when you don't see things their way.  If you want to educate people fine, but don't attack them when they post a picture of their child in the backseat and it isn't to your liking.  It isn't any of your business.  Hopefully that parent has done their research and picked what they felt was best for their child.  I can tell you right now your opinionated passive-aggressive comment, or  comment posted with a "car seat safety link" will never go over well.  So just don't.

4.  Homeschooling

We all want our children to be educated, as smart as possible.  Homeschooling is something that has always been around, but has really picked up steam in the past few years.  With things like online classes, and even Skype, it is easier than ever.  Some parents choose to home school because of the violence in schools, or because their child is a slower or faster learner, or just because they don't trust their specific school district.  Whatever the reason may be they made the decision for a reason.  The cliche about home schooled children being isolated is unfortunate as homeschooling has come a long way.  When some people hear "We decided to start homeschooling Timmy" they really hear "We want Timmy to become anti-social and grow up to be a serial killer"  It is pretty sad but the reality of what certain people think.  Home schooled children still participate in school events, and even have field trips and social events.  It is not as isolated as so many still think, and I suggest you do your homework if you are going to try and tell a parent they are going to turn their kid into a serial killer. 

5.  Milestones

Never ever EVER compare your child to another, it will either make you look like a douche, or have you so panicked you will develop carpel tunnel from googling.  Just because Johnny is crawling at 4 months and Timmy isn't doesn't mean his motor skills are bad.  If Johnny starts talking before Timmy it doesn't mean Timmy has a speech problem.  If Johnny gets teeth before Timmy, it doesn't mean Timmy is going to need baby dentures, so calm down.  Every child hits different milestones at different times.  The books you see on the shelves are only there as guides to project when you may expect your child to his a certain milestone.  Try to keep the comparisons to a minimum, especially if your baby is ahead of everyone else.  No one likes a bragger, or a one-upper.  Sometimes it is better to just listen to the other person without interjecting about your kid.

All I'm saying with this is we need to be respectful of others, and their choices.  We will never agree on everything, because that just isn't how the world works.  If that were the case the word "war" wouldn't exist.  It is fine to be opinionated, but make sure that you aren't being overbearing, or lecturing others who don't want to hear it.  Like I said before, you DO know everything, and you ARE the smartest, most loving and educated parent, but only to your children.  Try and keep that in mind next time you want to lay into someone who doesn't see things the same way you do.

10 things we need to stop doing on Facebook

There was a time that Facebook was fun.  Finding old friends and catching up, keeping in touch with family members that live far away, and countless other reasons.  I'm not sure how we went from that easy go lucky idea to what it is today.  While I still enjoy logging on everyday (OK all day) I find myself rolling my eyes a lot more lately, because some things have gotten out of control. We are all guilty of at least one of the things, or in my case multiple things, but you know what they say, the first step is admitting you have a problem so there you go.  Here are the top 10 things that need to stop, in no particular order.

1. Vaguebooking

I put this one first because it is MY biggest Facebook pet peeve. We all need a little extra attention every now and then, but Vaguebooking is just downright annoying.  You can always tell when someone is feeling a little left out of the cyber world when they post things like
"Ugh"
":("
"I'm sad"
"Why me?"

Well you get it.  There is nothing wrong with posting those things but when you start getting responses asking whats wrong (which is exactly what you want) and then respond to no one, it is obvious you just want to make sure people are paying attention to you.  You may be able to get away with that once in a while, but when you start doing it on a normal basis people will stop paying attention to you.  People will not even ask whats wrong anymore, because you have proven time and time again that you have no intention telling everyone just what the hell is wrong.  Whether you like to admit it or not, we are all nosy and hate when we get sucked in with no payoff.  That is a major Facebook turn-off.  Which brings me to my next thing.

2. Airing Your Dirty Laundry

I like some drama and gossip just as much as the other person, but somethings really should remain private, no matter how entertaining it may be for us.  This is most important when it refers to a couple.  Remember, when you are mad and post something horrible your boyfriend/girlfriend/husband/wife/lover or whatever did its hard to take it back.  Even if you delete it, chances are a majority of your friends have already seen it and will not be able to delete it from their memory.  This is especially important for couples with mutual friends. or couples where the other person doesn't have a Facebook and has no idea you are spewing your private stuff all over.  You may need to vent, and that's fine but when you share it with everyone you have just asked for more trouble.  If you have mutual friends someone WILL tell the other person and your mini venting session went from what you thought was something innocent to something on a much higher level.  Surely if you have 100+ Facebook friends you are close enough with someone you can text, call, email, or even IM (remember that?) right?  A temporary lapse in judgment is one thing when you write a rant but if it continues, you will most likely stop getting sympathy and start getting more eye rolls, and be prepared for someone to call you out on it.  The whole "I can write what I want its my page" thing only goes so far before people start hiding your feeds, or even deleting you.

3.  Posting Too Many Pictures of Your Kids or Pets (or both) in a day

Yes your kids are adorable, yes your pet is too, but don't over do it.  As parents we think every single expression, outfit, haircut, and sleeping position are adorable, and they are, but posting all of those things in one day is overkill (albums excluded).  No one will ever love your children the way you do, and the same goes for loving every picture you take.  I am 100% guilty of this.  It isn't an attention thing, you just want everyone to see how awesome your kid or pet is, but the truth is only a select few will really care after the 4th or 5th picture of the day, after that most will just scroll right past you.  Doing this every once in a while is one thing, then there are a select few that do it on a daily basis, posting nearly the exact same pictures every day.  Feel free to share but try to keep it to a minimum, or get on Instagram.  Oh and if you don't have kids and swear you will never be one of those parents, at some point you will. 

4.  Pictures of Disgusting Things

This is pretty self explanatory.  No one wants to see the massive poop your kid took, the projectile vomit, or the aftermath of a long drunk night out.  You may think its hilarious and interesting but the rest of us are cringing and unsuccessfully trying to get the image out of our heads.  You may even think its pretty cool your kid used the potty for the first time, and it is, feel free to tell us, but we don't need a visual.

5.  The Daily Selfie

We all know someone who loves themselves so much that they have to share a new picture with us every.single.day. sometimes multiple times a day.
"Going to the club!"
"Going to dinner!"
"Going to work!"
"Going to the bathroom!"

Its great that you have such high self esteem, and we like seeing new pictures of you, but unless you got plastic surgery, you look exactly the same as you did yesterday, thanks for reminding us.

6. Food--Instagram yes, Facebook no

As much as I was hoping this was a short lived trend, it is still going strong.  Nobody needs a daily picture of what you are eating.  If you are really REALLY proud of it then lets see it, but a PB&J? Yeah that's not newsworthy.  Save the food pictures for something special, like something you worked your ass off all day making, something unique, or even a Pinterest success (or fail, those are fun too).  In-N-Out is obviously an exception to this, but not if you eat it everyday.  And don't you dare post a picture on my news feed of plain old boring In-N-Out fries, those better be Animal Style or you'll hear about it from me.

7.  #hashtagging

#we #need #to #stop #talking #like #this #about #everything.  Also 100% guilty of this.  Hash tagging started off on Twitter for a reason.  Sometimes it can be hard to fit all of your thoughts in 140 characters, and on Twitter it is a way to see what other people are saying about the same thing you are talking about, but Facebook doesn't work like that.  It is understandable if you are cross posting from Instagram or Twitter, but if not then just say what you need to say, you have plenty of room!

8. Compulsive Woe is Me Posts

Everyone has bad days, there is no argument there, but attention seeking daily posts about how bad your life is is annoying.

"FML"
"My life sucks"
"When will I have a good day?"
"Why do things keep happening to me?"
Etc.

If you are posting like that on a daily basis you either are in need of some serious help (no sarcasm there) or you need to change what you are doing.  Unlike #1, this is the person who is constantly being shit on and doing nothing about it but feeling sorry for themselves and wanting everyone and their mother to know about it every day.  Nobody likes a constant Debbie Downer and with each post your sympathy level goes down.  The days will be numbered that people comment with "whats wrong?" "everything OK?" or "I'm sorry :(".  Eventually people will just be thinking "Shut up already!"

9.  Facebragging

Got a new car? I want to see. Met a celebrity? I want to see that too.  Wads of cash? Um yeah no thanks.  Fifth super expensive unnecessary new toy this week? No thanks I'll pass on that too.  There is a fine line between sharing things with people and bragging about them.  We all like to make people envious of us sometimes, but if you overdo it, they will just start thinking you are a douchebag.  Yes we all want nice things, and its cool when we get something we have saved for, or got for Christmas or whatever, but if you just have cash coming out of your ass and cant stop talking about it, we will stop being excited for you, and roll our eyes as fast as we scroll past you.

10.  Asking for Money

Why people do this I will never understand.  It takes a real ballsy person to ask people for money on Facebook for whatever it may be.  Charity, school donations, and stuff like that are different, but just for you?  Are you kidding me?  This sometimes can tie into #8.  Not always do people come right out and ask for money but they imply that they really need it.  Writing their sob story (or stories) in hopes it will appeal enough to garner donations.  Its tacky, and if you are hurting for money that bad contact someone privately that may be able to help you. don't post it all over the damn place.  The only time I have ever done this is in a joking manner like "Hey who wants to lend me $20,000 for a car?" or "Hey my birthday is coming up who wants to buy me an iPad?"  am I really asking for it?  Obviously not, its a joke, jokes are funny, pity is not.

Duck Dynasty....so what?

Alright so there is all this hoopla about the guy from Duck Dynasty making "anti-gay" comments, which in turn got him suspended, if not axed, from his own show.  That's ridiculous.  Look I am totally supportive of gay people.  I have people in my family that are gay and some of my closest friends are gay.  I believe in gay marriage, gay rights, you name it.

This situation is an interesting one.  "Duck Dynasty" is the highest rated reality show on any network EVER.  Personally I have never seen the show, but people who watch it love it.  What really needs to be asked is, is anyone really surprised that this guy prefers a woman over a man?  These people live in the south, and the man who said it is,well, old.  Some older people are just set in their ways, they don't accept gay people, and some of them still don't like black people.  While I don't agree with people being racist or prejudice that's just the way it is.  As much as I support gays, I support our freedom of speech.  Just because someone says something that isn't "PC" doesn't mean that they should be punished.

So what?  So this guy isn't fond of gay people, so what?  If someone has a problem with it THEY can boycott the show, but it isn't fair to punish someone for their beliefs, period.  Did we hang Adam Sandler out to dry for the Hanukkah song?  Do we scoff or shun a person for saying "bless you" after a sneeze?  Nope, because these are "acceptable" beliefs.   I think A&E did what they thought everyone would WANT them to do.  They did instant damage control by removing they guy from the show, which in turn is totally backfiring on them, because now the entire family is giving them a big middle finger, as they should.  I think it is completely outrageous that this guy was pulled just for saying what he thought.  This country has become entirely too PC.  There is a big line between tolerance and standing for what you believe in.  I mean its not like he said "I think all gays should burn in hell" yeah now a statement like that SHOULD be cause for firing.  He basically said that he doesn't understand the gay culture, and prefers women, well duh.  He feels this way because of his religion and what he believes in, and he is entitled to that, just like people are allowed to disagree or be outraged with him and his comments.

Yeah he probably shouldn't have gone as far as he did, but he said what he wanted and like I said before, that is his right as an American citizen.  I think A&E really went overboard on this one, and with the backlash they are receiving they will start to backpedal soon.  They are not going to risk losing their #1 show and further than they already have.  To someone like me I see his comments as insensitive, but I also expect an old white guy from the south to feel that way, so in no way am I surprised.  We need to stop being so sensitive and respect this guys freedom of speech, and if you have a problem with his comments and cant stand to look at him ever again....don't.

Its ok to say it...I just did

Being a stay at home mom, or a working mother is typically a decision that many struggle with.  Some don't have an option, but for those who do, it can take a toll.  Many years ago when I decided to be a stay at home mom, I had just had my son.  I couldn't imagine leaving him everyday to go to work.  The thought of it ate me up.  Even leaving him alone for a date night was torture, but isn't it always like that with your first baby?

After a few months it became clear that I was going to need to get a job for us to survive.  My husband and I were young and just weren't cutting it on a single salary.  I learned to deal with being a working mother and cherished my days off to spend with my son.  Over the past 8 years I have gone back and forth between working and staying at home with my now 3 children.  That being said I have to say that I think I prefer to work.

I know how that might sound, but the truth is, there are a lot of women out there who actually prefer to work versus being home all day.  At the moment I am only working a few days a week, but that is fine by me.  While it isn't the ideal choice for everyone, for me working makes me feel like I am important, like I actually have a life.  Don't get me wrong, I love my children to death, but I found that when I am strictly a stay at home mom I lose a piece of myself.  I have hardly any adult interaction or conversation (aside from my husband and phone calls) and I feel like I have only one identity, mom.

Getting dressed up, putting on makeup, and doing my hair for work makes me happy and I look forward to going (most nights).  I opted to work the graveyard shift so I can essentially do both.  I can have time to myself, make some money, talk to other adults, and then come home and be mom.  Even though I am tired, when I get home I appreciate being a mother much more, mostly because I got the chance to MISS my children.  When I am a stay at home mom things start to get to me quickly.  The whining, crying, I need this, I need that, whatever it may be.  Some moms relish in that and enjoy it, but I am not one of them.  I need a chance to be me and have time to myself.  I don't think it is uncommon for moms to feel like they have lost their identity, and at some point whether they admit it or not they all feel it, even if it is just for a second.  There were many days where I would be sitting on the couch watching some cartoon for the umpteenth time and wonder "what am I doing?" "how did I get so frumpy and predictable?"  I stared realizing that my days were EXACTLY the same.  Everything I was doing everyday was like clockwork, and it was destroying me.

When I was younger I was so unpredictable.  I went with the flow, and pretty much did what I wanted when I wanted.  I remembered times when my biggest worry was having to deal with a hangover at work, and now here I was a boring mom, in sweats, never even putting an effort into my appearance anymore.  I started to feel bad for my husband, he would come home to a stressed out, 5pm pajama wearing wife who was more excited he was home so she could get a break, than excited to actually SEE him.  Every night when the kids would go to bed I started to feel alive.  I had the weight of three children lifted off of my shoulders and could actually relax and be....me.  I should clarify that there is not really anything boring about being a stay at home mom, its hard work and nonstop.  Just when you think you have them all occupied and try to sit down it all goes up in flames.  I'm not lying when I say that being a stay at home mom is THE hardest job that exists, and maybe people like me aren't cut out for it, and I'm OK with saying that.  If I am a horrible mother for saying I enjoy being away from my kids to work then so be it, start throwing stones at me.  This isn't the 50's and we don't have to be afraid to say that some of us feel a little unfulfilled as stay at home moms.

If being a stay at home mom completes you and you are in love with it then that is awesome, but if you are someone more like me who also enjoys working don't feel bad about it.  It is nothing to be ashamed of, and you are not any lesser of a mother, and it also doesn't mean that you love your children any less.  In order for you to be a good loving mother you have to take care of yourself first, and make sure YOU are happy, and if getting a job to get away for a bit makes you happier then so be it.  

My mother, my rock

"Mother: a woman in relation to a child or children to whom she has given birth."

This may be the official definition but it hardly applies to my mother because she is so much more. 

My mom has gone above and beyond for me my entire life. Having a childhood with a single mom for some children is a difficult thing to go through. It is stressful, hard, and can be unenjoyable. I think for those children it is because the children are witness to the tough times and see their mothers (or fathers) breakdown wondering where the next meal is going to come from or how the rent is going to be paid. Not me. While my mom had her struggles, and for sure had to deal with the problems above, she never let me onto the fact that there was anything wrong. I never had any indication that things were bad at times, and that we were struggling and because of that I had an amazing childhood. No matter what there was always somethingn to eat, we went and did things and always found a way to have fun. 

My mom worked her ass off when I was little. She may not have always worked jobs she liked but she did it for me, not for herself but for ME.  She gave up most of her young adult life because she cared more about being a mom than being a woman in her 20's. 

I have always appreciated my mom, but I never understood just how hard it was for her until I became a mother. Being a mom is a wonderful thing but holy crap is it hard. I am married now with three kids and I could never imagine doing this alone. I don't think I would ever be strong enough to take that on on my own.  I would probably be in a psych ward by now. But that is the difference between my mother and I and one of the main things I have always admired about her...her undeniable strength and her amazing outlook on life. 

My mom is 100% an optimist and I am 100% a pessimist. I suppose it is a good balance because everytime I am having a breakdown about something (often because I am the queen of the "what-ifs")  my mom tells me not to worry and that things always have a way of working themselves out. I realize now that that is the mentality that got her through the hard times. Her optimism got her through those moments if doubt. It's the philosophy she lived her life by and what made her able to keep it together through the hard times (including my horribly disrespectful and wild teenage years). 

I think one of the best things I learned from my childhood is to never let your children know there is something wrong. Kids don't need to know, kids need the opportunity to be care-free and not start out as worry warts because it could be something that follows them into their adulthood. 

I believe there are many things that happened in my life that caused my severe anxiety, but not for a second do I think it has anything to do with the way I grew up. I wouldn't have traded my childhood for anything. 

To this day my mom continues to be my rock. There will never be anyone else that can make me feel the way she does. She is always there to give me great advice, sit through my babbling cry-filled breakdowns, stop me from second guessing my parenting choices, and most importantly remind me daily that I am a great person and mother and that no matter what the situation I WILL get through it.  Even if I made decisions she may not have agreed with she always supported me unconditionally, and if my decision blew up in my face she was and continues to be there to help me pick up the pieces. She is everything to me and I try to show her that as much as I can. I hope to someday be as strong as she is, but in the meantime it means the world to me that she is strong for both of us. 

I love you mom and thank you for always being there for me no matter what. 

Why I love grocery shopping with my kids.....

The grocery store, its my sanity, my alone time, and the one thing I look forward to doing.  That is, until today.

I woke up this morning and the cupboards were bare, the fridge was basically empty, and there was a lone frozen waffle in the freezer.  Being the great mother I am I decided it was time to go grocery shopping.  The only problem?  My husband was at work, so that meant I either let the kids go hungry all day or I buck up, get the kids and myself dressed and take all 3 of them WITH ME.  Yes 3 kids alone in the grocery store.  Fun.

Before I unbuckled all of them I looked into their eyes and said "we are going into the store now, don't ask me for this, or that, don't try to run off, don't cry when I say no, and please PLEASE don't make me yell at you"  All three of them looked me in the eye and simply said "OK".  My kids are liars.

The first 5 minutes were fine, we went through the produce department with no problems.  I got the things I needed and moved onto the hot dog/lunchable area.  Braden starts "ooooo I want one! Can I get one?? Please can I get just one??" "Fine" I said "just one." My first mistake.  One of the rules of grocery shopping (or any kind of shopping for that matter) is when you get one thing for one of them then they ALL have to have one.  Elle starts yelling "mine mine mine!" then Brody.  I had to think fast, then I got it, the bakery!  Who doesn't remember going shopping with their mom and stopping at the bakery for a free cookie?  I said "Who wants a cookie?" in unison they all yell "MEEEEEEE!" Great off to the bakery we go, everyone got a GIANT cookie and I continued on my way.

The next five minutes were quiet, and it was so nice, until Braden did the unthinkable to Brody.  I am looking at the pasta aisle and hear a blood curdling scream behind me.  I turn around and Braden, brace yourself, BROKE.BRODY'S.COOKIE.IN.HALF.  That's right, right in half.  Brody is very particular about things, he likes everything a certain way, he is a little OCD courtesy of me, so to him this was the end of the world.   I looked at Braden with you know "the look" because he knows not to mess with Brody and he looked back at me with the "oh shit" look.  I tried to calm Brody down but it wasn't working.  He was pissed, crying, screaming, having a complete meltdown.  People were looking at me probably thinking I was killing him.  Then a lady said "Um excuse me, your daughter" I turned around and there's Elle standing straight up in the cart with the proudest look on her face.  I said thank you, sat Elle back down, grabbed Brody and just started walking away.

I finally calmed Brody down after a few minutes (basically by letting him yell to Braden "THAT WASN'T NICE BEEDEN!) and was now rushing through my shop.  Things were going downhill and fast.  Shopping is normally a thing that takes me a few hours, I like to compare products, prices, etc. so I take my time to try and spend as little as possible.  Not today.  I looked crazy throwing things in the basket, not even stopping, just slowing down enough to grab things off the shelves.  Then came the frozen aisles.  They were all yelling for different things "pizza! waffles! corn dogs! ice cream!" so pretty much anything they saw they wanted (remember in the beginning they said they wouldn't do that? yeah.) Braden keeps opening and closing the doors and saying "oh we need this!" to EVERYTHING. I finally stopped him, got real close, and in my quietest most stern voice said "Stop opening and closing everything and STOP asking for stuff".  There I thought, that set him straight, I'm totally winning now.

As I was looking at the vegetables I hear boxes start falling.  I didn't even want to look.  I knew what I was going to see.  I slowly glance over and theres Braden watching frozen pizza after frozen pizza fall to the ground with Brody laughing hysterically.  I just stood there, in shock.  How did this happen?? I WAS WINNING! I gave him another look (which obviously doesn't work but whatever) and he quietly and slowly started putting the pizzas back.  I didn't yell, I didn't even talk, I just let him pick them up and started asking God, Mary, and Baby Jesus, to give me the strength to get through the rest of this trip without having my own meltdown.  It didn't work.  We made it to the next aisle so I could get cheese and Elle starts picking up the frozen boxes and LICKING THEM. Every time I would take one away she would grab another.  Ugh so gross, I had no choice but to give her a stern "NO!" that was it, she lost it.  She started screaming crying and trying to get out of the cart.  I had one thing left to get, paper towels.  I could have left without them but I was going to get those paper towels dammit.  We make it to the paper towels, I'm winning again, they wont fit in the cart so I ask Braden to hold them.  Brody loses it HE wants to hold them.  So there I am in the paper towel aisle, Elle crying, and now Braden and Brody fighting over who gets to hold the single paper towel roll.  I felt it coming, I was no longer winning again, I had held it in this long but couldn't anymore.  At the top of my lungs I yelled "WOULD YOU GUYS KNOCK IT OFF ALREADY???" "ENOUGH! THAT'S ENOUGH!!" They all stopped and stared at me, yep they did it, they made mommy that crazy lady in the store with the kids, we all know THAT mom, and today it was me.  People were peaking around the aisle corners, the pharmacist looked up, and even the meat guy were all stopping what they were doing to get a look at the crazy lady.  I was so embarrassed, no make that mortified, I needed to get out of there.  Braden gave Brody the paper towel roll, Elle stopped crying, and we made our way to the checkout.

The cashier looked at me, visibly frazzled and said, "long day?" I just smirked instead of saying something smart ass like I wanted to.  I felt like I was winning again so I decided to treat myself to a small Starbucks, I earned that.  The kids were quiet, groceries were paid for,  and I was about to enjoy a hard earned coffee, I won.  I did it I won! HA!  I turned my back to the kids to pay for my Starbucks and I hear a man behind me "um excuse me ma'am, um excuse me" I turned around to see what this man needed and Elle was missing a shoe standing straight up in the cart again, and Brody was starting to pull down his pants saying "I have go potty".

I lost.

Mental Health Awareness Day--my story

This Thursday October 10th is Mental Health Awareness Day, so in honor of that I have decided to share my story in hopes of raising awareness on an issue that is not only important, but very very overlooked.

I have been battling depression and severe anxiety for some time now.  For those who know me, even very well, they would probably not expect to learn something like this about me.  I am, for the most part, upbeat, happy, and overall fun to be around.  It is hard to keep that persona up sometimes, but I have always kept this quiet because for a long time I was ashamed.  Now I realize that it is nothing to be ashamed of, it affects millions of people, many of them do not seek help in hopes it will just "go away".  So even if my story only influences ONE person to talk to their doctor, friend, family member, or whatever then this post has done myself justice.

In March of 2010 I gave birth to my second child.  He was born a little early but had fluid in his lungs so he was placed in the NICU for five days.  It had been the second time a child I gave birth to was not healthy enough to come home with me.  I was devastated and blamed myself, even though there was nothing I could have done differently.  When we finally came home, I didn't feel like myself.  At the time I attributed it to changing hormones and maybe a small case of he "baby blues".  I loved my baby boy but I started noticing that I was becoming increasingly annoyed when he would cry, to the point that I didn't even really want to be around him.  I kept making excuses for myself, since I was breastfeeding I was basically his caretaker 24/7, except for the occasional time I would pump a bottle so my husband could feed him.  As every day went by I was getting worse.  I didn't want to see people, I wanted to sit in the house and do nothing.  I wasn't keeping up with the house, taking care of the kids seemed like a huge chore and I would cringe every time they needed me for something.  In December I got a night working graveyard and while I was there I loved it.  A part of me felt guilty for being happy to be away from my family, but it was true.  I felt important when I was working.  I had a LIFE outside of my house for the first time since high school.  After I started working I started to spiral out of control.  There were days that after getting off of work I would look at the freeway and think about just driving away somewhere and never going home again.  The thought made me feel happy and relieved.  For no reason I wanted to leave my husband and my kids behind and just pretend they didn't exist. One morning I after work I was in the left turn lane to get on the 15 north towards CA.  The light was red and I was staring at the highway like it was my way out.  That's when I realized I needed help, and fast.  This wasn't me. When I was little that's all I ever wanted to be was a mom, and have a family, and now I was just going to run?  It was time to accept that there was nothing wrong with asking for help.

I made an appointment with my doctor and told her everything.  She took my hand and told me it was ok and that I wasn't a bad person, or a bad mother.  She told me I do love my family and that's why I was there.  I was not a failure as a mother or wife.  She diagnosed me with postpartum depression, and severe anxiety nearly a year after I had given birth.  I was in shock and slightly relieved.  She told me it was treatable and we were going to get it all under control.  She put me on medication that really helped for a while, that is until I unexpectedly got pregnant again.  With all the commercials you see about meds giving babies birth defects I decided to stop my medication cold turkey (very much against my doctors wishes).  The withdrawal from the drug was the worst I have felt in my life.  I was sick, had what felt like lightening jolts running through my body, I was sweating all the time, it was horrible.  I felt ok after a few weeks and continued to have a healthy pregnancy and healthy baby girl.

I was paranoid when I gave birth again.  I tried to watch myself closely for any symptoms of depression to return and didn't notice anything for a while.  Then I did, AGAIN, and AGAIN I ignored it.  Denial is a terrible thing.  I didn't want to be a failure again, or a bad mother. I was embarrassed and felt like I was going to be judged.  I mean what kind of MOTHER doesn't want to be around her kids?  What the hell was wrong with me?  I felt like a piece of shit.  I started feeling like my kids deserved a better mother, a happy mother who did have the energy and want to play with them, one that didn't just sit around and watch TV feeling sorry for herself.  I never got to the point of attempting suicide, but it did enter my mind once in a while like "they would all be so much better off" "they deserve better" "I don't deserve this life".  My husband was aware something was wrong and started walking around on eggshells around me just so he wouldn't set me off.  I was making everyone miserable, so I put on my big girl pants, swallowed my pride and made another appointment with another doctor since by this time I had moved to another state.  When I got there the nurse was asking the typical questions, why I was there etc. and as I started explaining everything to her, I broke down.  I was hysterical trying to explain myself and why I was so ashamed to ask for help again.  She just let me vent handing me tissue after tissue.  When I was done she looked at me and said "If you think you are alone, you aren't. You are not a failure as a mother, you are doing this FOR your kids. It is nothing to be ashamed of, and we are going to get you through this again. Be PROUD of yourself for coming here." Some of what she said was similar to what my first doctor said but one word stuck out PROUD.  I hadn't been proud of myself in a long time, or happy for that matter but it was time to get back on track.

This time around has been a little harder, I have tried a few different antidepressants and anti anxiety medications but have finally found a combination that I believe is working.  It is important to communicate with your doctor if they prescribe you something and it isn't working.  Different medications affect people differently.  What may work for someone you know may not work for you.  Don't give up, if you keep at it you WILL get better and get your life back.

Some people do not believe in prescription medication, and that is ok.  If you want to try holistic ways that's just fine, but if it doesn't work do not be ashamed to try other alternatives.  Your health is the most important thing here.

I'll never understand why this topic is so hush hush in the media.  It is incredibly important to get the word out to people that they are not alone, and that they are not failures as mothers, wives, fathers, husbands, or even daughters and sons.  If you feel like something is wrong, or you aren't yourself you need to talk to someone, anyone.  Don't bottle everything up inside expecting it to just go away, because chances are it wont go away, it will just get worse.  There is no shame is asking for help, in fact it is a very selfless act, because you are not only helping yourself but you are helping those around you.

I didn't write this as a pity party for myself.  I wrote this in hopes someone out there says "hey that sounds like me" and get the help they need.  Do not be ashamed, there is hope for everyone.