Seriously Internet?

I am a huge football fan.  At times I am too big of a football fan.  Family and friends make fun of me when they see me watch a game due to my swearing, jumping, screaming, cries of agony, and so forth.  I like to talk trash to the TV and joke with friends of mine that root for teams I despise, its all in good fun and they know that.  Sometimes I like to read stories online and check out the comments, for the most part they are filled with fun banter, dirty jokes, and excellent comebacks.  Occasionally, I will see some people get into it, but it typically doesnt last more than a few comments back and forth.

I wont lie, if I had to pick one team that I despise more than any other team, its the Patriots.  I don't need to get into why, that's a story for another day.  This doesn't sit well with most of their fans, why? I have no idea.  Yeah my team is the Rams (save it, I know they aren't good and haven't been for a while), and yeah the Patriots beat us in the Super Bowl.  If you know me I have probably baited you into my Rams VS. Patriots Super Bowl speech, if you haven't heard it I'm sure someone knows it by heart.

Before I go any further I need to explain the purpose of this post.  This isn't about me crying, or not being able to take it.  This isn't about sympathy and this isn't about every single fan out there.  This is really about how far people think they can go when disagreeing with someone.  The protection of being in their home, for whatever reason, makes some people think they are invincible.  I think in a moment some forget that we are actually talking to another person on the other side of that invisible wall.  This was a snippet of what happened today, over the span of a few hours.

Some story pops up on my new feed about Tom Brady saying "everyone fucking hates us, lets win it all next year" after getting booed at the Super Bowl.  I made this comment "Soooooo he hasn't been trying to win every other season? This shows what an idiot he is".  Thats it, yes I'm guilty, I called Tom Brady an idiot.  These were some of the responses:

You had shown how stupid you are 

You're fucking retarded

Attention Whores doing what Attention Whores do best

Brittany you really are retarded. Saying I have forgot more about football implies that my information I forget cause I know so much exceeds your small peanut brain. Not talking about the stuff I know.

 I'm tearing into this bitch

I love when women try and act like they know something about football.....it's called motivation....

 You're a cunt Brittany I bet you can't even make a sammich

Why are people like you allowed to reproduce is beyond me, Brittany

Remember, I didn't threaten to kill his family, wish him ill will, beg for something bad to happen to him, or even swear.  I called him an idiot.  I've called a lot of people idiots before. You have called people idiots before (and worse).  I started off replying sarcastically thanking people for their comments, but it really just got worse.  It made me wonder just why someone would get so incredibly offended by someone making such a small comment.  If you can believe it, there were worse ones than above.  It is a perfect example of people that can't distinguish fantasy from reality.  If someone says something you see as mean about a celebrity you adore go ahead and shake your head then move along.  I love Gwen Stefani and No Doubt, I see lots of nasty things written about both of them daily, do I sit around and defend their honor? Uh, no they are adults and I'm pretty sure they don't care what people have to say, they are too busy with their nice houses, cars, vacations, etc.  I love the Rams, do I sit around and defend them against every person that says they suck by telling them I hope their mother dies? No because that's something psycho, but people do it.  Would I call Brady an idiot to his face for sending that text? Yeah I would, it was an idiotic thing to say, almost implying that you only really want to win it all next year because everyone hates the team (but I'm pretty sure they were booing just him).  Isn't that kind of the goal in the NFL for every team? To win the Super Bowl? Yeah exactly

How do all of these people know I'm not some cyber terrorist with a fake profile that could ruin their life with a simple click of the mouse? Or that I'm not some psycho killer?  Did I expect some backlash? Kind of, I assumed someone would tell me to shut up, or my favorite "get back in the kitchen" (which I did get a lot of this one being my favorite actually, very creative)

Was it nice of me to call Brady an idiot? No it probably wasn't. Was it really that horrible to warrant the response? Not even a little.  I don't even worry about me and how I handle it, I worry about my kids getting on the internet soon and encountering things like this.  I cant imagine being a kid and reading things like that being said about me.  It honestly opened my eyes to what is possible out there, and why some kids (and even adults) cant handle it.  People have killed themselves over things like this.  Would you really want to be responsible for something like that because you just couldn't help yourself?

Like I said before, I'm not crying about it, I can handle it.  Some of the comments were actually funny.  I'm more just saying be careful before you really lay into someone on the other side of the internet, especially if you are a "fan" trying to defend a celebrity (someone you don't know).  I can guarantee that celebrity isn't at home writing thank you cards or sending you tickets in the mail for calling someone a "fucking retard" or a "cunt". Actually Tom, if you are reading this and would like the names of your truly dedicated fans let me know and I will get them to you, I left their names out, because contrary to what a lot of them think I'm not that mean.  It really is best sometimes to not even say anything.  It may seem fun (to some?) because it is the invincible internet, but you just never know.  Have fun and banter, some of the best conversations I have had have come from disagreements and sarcastic back and forth jabs. Talking to someone like that, especially on the internet, doesn't make you intimidating or a badass, it makes you look like a fool that has nothing intelligent to say so you resort to the lowest level.   We are always going to disagree, its part of being human.  Dont let someones opinion ruin your day! Take a deep breath, I promise it will be OK, but maybe think before you type

One Thing I Hate About Having A Daughter

Being a woman is one of the hardest things in the world. I could list a million different reasons why, but what I find is THE hardest is our image. I don't mean the way we come across, I mean flat out the way we look. What color our hair is, how smooth our legs are, what size breasts we have, our shoe size, and of course the most important to everyone....our weight.

I'll never forget the actual day I started worrying about my weight.  I may have told this story before but it's important.  I was 15 and a sophomore in high school. The guy I was dating at the time called and said he wanted to stop by and say hi real quick. Being 15, nothing made me happier than that. He pulled up in the driveway and I hopped in the passenger seat, he gave me a quick peck and then sat back in his seat. Out of nowhere he said (as he poked me in the stomach) "wow, you're putting on a little weight huh? Might need to do something about that." Now I have to say, I was notorious for dating some real douches in high school (yes mom you were right, AGAIN) but I had never really been worried or concerned with my weight until then. I was mortified and humiliated and remember going in the house and immediately getting on the scale. To clarify I was a size 5, an apparently humongous, gross, size 5. I have had a problem with my self esteem and image ever since then. All because ONE insignificant comment was made by ONE person 14 years ago. Something so small stuck with me and has managed to influence the way I see myself. This is terrifying now that I have a daughter.  

When I found out I was having the girl I wanted so badly I was elated. There was nothing that was more exciting to me. I imagined the dressing up, the barbies, the baby dolls, doing her hair and all the fun stuff. What managed to elude my mind was what she will inevitably deal with as she grows. The pressure to be a girl. To wear the right clothes, do her hair the right way, and yes even be the "right" weight. What worries me even more is that no matter how much I tell her she is beautiful, perfect, smart, and amazing she will still most likely at some point see herself the way others let her, I know because my mom tried to tell me the same things. I am 29 and I STILL have image issues, the same ones that started from that asshole in high school. I don't ever want my daughter to feel any less beautiful because of a number on a scale or on a pair of pants. 

The media, Hollywood, actors, singers models you name it always complain about the pressures of the "business", but who gives into the "business"?  They do. When are the ones that reluctantly influence our young girls the most going to take a stand on what beauty really is?  I am going to do every single thing in my power to make sure my daughter knows that no matter what, she is the most beautiful person in the world, but as long as there are teenage boys, magazines, and whatever else telling her what "beauty" is my uplifting words just might get lost, but I refuse to accept that. I refuse to let anyone influence the way she sees herself. My daughter will always know that beauty is on the inside, and only her opinion matters. I hope someday that is a trend that catches on. The big smile she wears everyday, is the same one I want to continue to see for the rest of my life. Love yourself, be yourself, and don't let anyone change the way you feel about yourself in a negative way. We are all beautiful

You Go Girl

Yesterday we all said goodbye to Bruce Jenner and were introduced to Caitlyn Jenner.  The first photo released was no doubt a shocker, I highly doubt it was what anyone expected, but that's the way she wanted it.  She busted out and said this is who I am, this is ME, get it all out now, oooo and ahhhh, snicker and sneer put your imagination to rest.  From the one picture you see a person that is truly happy in their own skin for probably the first time.  You see a person that has waited 65 years for their body to match their brain.  How can anyone be offended by that?  How can anyone have a problem with that?

It seems that most of the comments and reactions have been positive, but there are those that have a serious problem with it.  Yes, because the way someone chooses to live their life now affects the way those people live theirs.  Give me a break.  If Caitlyn Jenner has a direct affect on your kids, your marriage, or you then you have a problem.  Its fine to disagree with what she decides to do, its always fine to have your own opinion, you are entitled, BUT to call her a "monster" "disgusting" or "sickening" just means you are being a bully.  You know who is all those things?  Child molesters (looking at you Josh Duggar), rapists, murderers, child abusers, domestic abusers, etc.  Does Caitlyn belong with those people? Absolutely not.  What is she doing to you exactly?  Is she committing a crime? Is she making your children want to change genders? Are you afraid that if someone you know sees the magazine cover they are going to want to transition? These disgusting comments about someone they don't even know just shows how unaccepting we are as people.  Its time to wake up people.  Its 2015, if you have a problem with transgender, gay marriage, and whatever else then maybe you should go off the grid so you don't have to share your "perfect" world with "them".  The world would be a better place if we would just be HAPPY for one another.  There have been many times in my life that I didn't agree with what was going on around me, but you know what? They are HAPPY.  Who are you to decide what is OK to make people happy?  How would you feel if someone came up to you and started making negative comments on how you looked in public?  What if someone that didn't know you just came up and told you that you looked like a monster or a freak?  Or if someone sent you an anonymous tweet or message?  The first thing that would come to your mind is, who the hell does this person think they are to tell me how I should look?  What if someone came up that you didn't know and said your child was ugly?  Its unacceptable to tell ANYONE how they should present themselves.

We should accept and embrace our differences and be free to live our lives in America without being nasty to each other.  What she did is incredibly inspiring and courageous.  There is no doubt in my mind that by going through all of this so publicly she has shown some out there not to be ashamed of the way they feel.  That it is OK to be you.  Not to care what others think and be true to yourself.  I commend her and I hope the public can start being more accepting to those that decide to live their lives against what some people may call the "norm"

Parenting Karma...sorry mom

Karma. Its the one thing most of us look forward to when we have been wronged.  While the idea of it is very straight forward there are different forms of it.  There is the cheating karma, when you have been cheated on and cant wait for that no good asshole to experience it himself.  Driving karma, when the car who is far more important than you cuts you off, and all you want to see him hit the next red light, or watch him get cut off by an Oldsmobile being driven by a couple in their 80's on their way to Sunday brunch.  Those are just a few examples, but when you become a parent the ultimate karma against you is brewing, the one your parents have been waiting for...parenting karma.  If I had to try and make a definition of parenting karma it would be:  Remember what you did to your parents?  Well you're about to get it right back, and possibly worse by those little things you have been protecting.


We all remember what we did to our parents growing up.  The tantrums, coloring on the wall, screaming in public, saying "I don't love you anymore", sneaking out, lying, you can fill in your own blanks.  It was devastating to our parents, we hurt them, and even worse we disappointed them.  Oh yeah you remember how much that stung, it was the WORST to hear that.  While our punishments came in the form of no TV, no radio, no car, no boom box (WHAAAAT), no phone (land line people, land line), what our parents were secretly waiting for was for us to have kids so they could secretly chuckle under their breath.  When I found out I was having a girl I specifically remember my mom saying "Haha yes! oh I hope she is JUST like you" and not in a sweet way like I hope she has your beautiful eyes, no it was like oh I cant wait for her to drive you crazy with her teenage attitude.

While I have been dealing with some small cases of parenting karma (9 year old attitude, 5 year old talking back and 3 year old screaming throw myself on the floor tantrums) my small glimpse of what is to come surfaced yesterday.  Let me give a little back story.

When I was a super cool 17 year old senior in high school, my mom got a brand new car.  Right after she got it she went on a trip and wasn't going to take the car with her.  After some begging, promising, reassuring, and begging again she reluctantly agreed to let me take the car to school for one day.  She gave me the mom speech that I half listened to (I was 17 remember) and off she went on her trip.

That morning I checked my mirrors, clicked my seat belt, put in my No Doubt CD, and lit a cigarette ( I WAS 17 REMEMBER? SUPER COOL).  I puffed along down the road, finished it and threw it out the window.  Five second later my left thigh was burning, the cigarette had come back in a landed on my moms brand new seat, putting a nice burn mark, again on her brand new seat.  I started thinking, I was either going to run away and never come back, make up a story, or hide it.  I thought of buying my mom seat covers, but knew she was too smart for that, so I came up with a foolproof story. 
"I know you told me not to, but I picked up a friend that smoked a cigarette in the car and when he threw it out the window in came back in and landed on my seat" sounded legit to me.  She was understandably pissed off, and by no means believed me.  Cant imagine why.  She was so upset because it was this brand new car and I had gone and ruined it, every time she would get in the car she would be reminded of my careless behavior.  I don't think I was ever allowed to drive that car again. 

Yesterday I experienced my first big parenting karma.  I have been telling my 9 year old some for months not to take his bike out next to my car.  He likes to push in the handle grips exposing the metal.  I tell him EVERY.SINGLE.TIME. and he never listens.  Well yesterday he finally scratched the side of my car with his stupid handlebars, not buff out scratches either, deep metal scratches.  I was so mad I couldn't even yell at him.  In the middle of my lecture I realized I was nearly quoting the lecture I got from my mom when I was 17.  It was in that moment that I knew I am so screwed and am going to so get it the older they get.  So Mom, I'm sorry, and karma gods, please have mercy on me.
Lets just hope I never have to experience my daughter projectile vomiting in the back of my car after her bachelorette party, only to find out the bag she was given had a hole in it....again sorry mom

It Was Just Two Stores

I have been waiting for today for a few months. It is Record Store Day and there is a limited edition Metallica cassette tape that I have been wanting to snag for my husband. I called around and most places were sold out, except for one about 20 minutes from my house. My husband works Saturdays and I work graveyard Friday night so I am normally pretty exhausted when I get home and have the house and kids to myself. I have pretty much sworn off venturing out with my children alone because most of the time when we enter public they turn into monsters. Since it was a special day, and I wanted to do something special for my husband I gave it another shot. What a great idea it was.

It took 10 minutes to get out the door, kind of a record. Great start I thought. Everyone got in their seats, got buckled up and away we went. The car ride was pleasant, uneventful, and surprisingly calm. No "he's looking at me!" "I didn't bring the right pal (stuffed animal)!" Or even a "I have to peeeeee nooooow!"  

We get to the record store that has a parking lot full of merchandise. Records, collectibles, and toys. Oh great, old collectible valuable toys. The kids didn't see them so we walked into the record store to get the cassette. The store was about the size of a bedroom MAYBE 10'x10' and FULL of people. Everyone was walking all over each other and the kids decided to start playing hide and go seek, hiding being crates or records and oh you know people. In my nice voice I tried to laugh it off "oh come on guys don't do that". Nothing, just giggling and hiding. "Guuuuuys come on, get over here."  Still nothing, at this point Brody had his face about 6 inches away from some poor guys butt (a fart would have taught him a lesson). Now it was time to increase the tone, using what I call the warning tone. The warning tone is a tone slightly louder than your normal tone but with a little more clenched teeth. "GUYS, that's ENOUGH." My kids know the warning tone. They stopped and we started walking back to the car. Almost made it to the car when my 9

Year old yells to my 5 and 3 year olds "HEYYY TOYS!! LOOK GUYS! TOYS!!" Ugh thanks. I spent the next 15 minutes trying to keep them from touching everything, taking off with something (one might call it stealing) or stepping on stuff. "What can we get?" They ask. "Nothing" I reply. The two youngest start crying in unison and my oldest starts huffing and puffing "how come youuu always get something?" "I never get anything" "this is boring" "why can't I get anything?"  I didn't respond because I was trying to keep from launching into a "why can't you appreciate the things you have" speech. 

We get in the car and I spot a store I had been wanting to stop in. At a red light I turn around and look at my kids. All calm now, sitting quietly again. "Ok I can do this", I say to myself. "You got this Brittany". I pull into a parking spot, take a deep breath and get out. The kids were good all the way to the front of the store where the carts were lined up. I put my 3 year old in the front of the cart and my 5 year old on the big part of the cart. Instantly the crying started. "I wanna sit in the big kid paaaaaart WAAAAAHHHH". I should have just walked back to the car and left, but I put her in the big part of the cart and went inside.

It took about three minutes before the whining started. Being a Saturday it was packed. People were rude and blocking every aisle and it was hard to move around, because of this I had to maneuver close to the clothing racks. That of course was when the grabbing started, like my kids were playing Supermarket Sweep. It didn't matter why it was they were grabbing it and putting it in the cart. "STOP" I said between my very clenched teeth. Nothing. They didn't even take me seriously enough to stop laughing. 

I don't know if you ever stop and listen to children's conversations but I guarantee you that if they are ever going to make something up that is mortifying about you, it will be in public. While looking at the underwear and bras my 5 year old says "ooooo, I bet mommy is looking at that for her booooyfriend" as I'm wearing my wedding ring. Then in unison my 3 and 5 year old start chanting "mommy has a boyfriend, mommy has a boyfriend!"  I look up to an older woman staring at me, "ha ha kids" I say to her. She looks away. "Guys stop, I don't have a boyfriend I'm married to daddy!" I say with a nervous OMG tone. "Then who was the guy that came over while daddy was at work?" Brody (5) says in a teasing tone. "That was the guy to fix the refrigerator silly, you know that." "Noooo mommy has a boyfriend, mommy has a boyfriend!" They start chanting again  The woman looks up again this time with a judgemental look and a raised eyebrow. "It was the repair guy, heh, kids." It really was the friggen repair guy. I'm not sure why I felt the need to explain myself to the stranger but she walked away and probably called me a Hussy under her breath. 

My final straw was when my oldest grabbed a huge pair of granny pantie underwear and asked "is this too small, or just right?" "Seriously?" I asked, "I've had enough lets go."  That of course started the unison crying, "whyyyyyyy, nooooo!"  Now people all around the store were starting to look. I get in line about the same time everyone else in the world also decided to get in line and we start waiting. Like most young potty trained kids when they see a sign for a bathroom in a store they must use it. It's like kids have a secret list of all the bathrooms in the world and need to visit and use them all, no matter what. In the middle of the 18 person line (no joke I counted) Brody spots the bathroom sign. "Umm mommy? I have to use the bathroom." "No you don't Brody." "Yes I dooooo, I really really dooooo" "well you're going to have to hold it, we are too deep in line to get out." But *insert crying and loud wailing* I HA-HAVE TO GOOOOO WAAAAHHHHH I HAVE TO GOOOOOO". "Ok just a sec." "NOOOOOOOOOOOO!" 

I knew I needed a distraction and luckily there were some sand toys right in front of me. I grabbed them "oooooh looooook! You guys needed these! Here you go!" Magically Brody didn't have to pee anymore (told you) and it was quiet again. Those sand toys could have been $100 and I would have bought them at that point. 

We make it to the front and while I'm unloading the cart the little ones start fighting (again). Elle ends up slamming Brody's fingers in the part of the cart where the metal collapses on itself. He of course screams bloody murder, everyone is looking at us, whispering to each other, or both. "THAT WASNT NICE ELLE! SHIT!" I say. "Yeah shit!" Brody says "shit" says Elle. 

Mom of the year right here. Have a great weekend everyone!

 

Pretty much how I felt when I got home

Thank You No Doubt

When I first heard No Doubt I was riding the bus to school, I was 10 years old, and the song was "Don't Speak".  I remember trying my hardest to hear the song over the other kids conversations, laughing, screaming, and yelling.  Though I may not have been able to hear the entire song in complete silence, I was able to catch their name at the end of the song.  When I got home I begged my mom to buy me the cassette, after a few "mom" questions (is there swearing, who are they, I don't know them) she agreed to order it for me.

About a week later my little Tragic Kingdom cassette came, and an official fan was born.  I listened to that tape every chance I could.  OK I'll be honest, I was 10 and therefore did not fully understand or appreciate an entire album.  I listened to "Don't Speak" so much that I had actually worn down the tape.  The song sounded great until it got to the chorus, and that was when Gwen's awesome voice started sounding like a slowed down demon, which thankfully forced me to listen to the other 13 songs.

As much as I loved Tragic Kingdom, at 10 there was just no way for me to understand how emotional of an album it was.  I hadn't felt true heartbreak yet, I wasn't sixteen, I was a girl but hadn't experienced any of those restrictions, and while my mom worked at Disneyland during my childhood, I had no idea Tragic Kingdom literally meant Magic Kingdom.

The older I got the more I understood the songs, and appreciated them more.  Then in 2000 Return of Saturn came out, and that would be the album that would get me through my hardest, darkest days.  When it came out my mom took me to Sam Goody and we listened to it all the way home, from there it went straight into my CD player and only came out occasionally for my *NSYNC CD (don't judge RIP *NSYNC).  I loved ROS more than I thought I would, especially because it was so different from the band most of us were used to.  It was mostly slowed down, and not as angry hurt sounding, but just more sad.

The came 2001.  Even as I am writing this 2001 has to be one of (if not) the hardest year of my life.  I had my heart broken for the first time, and went through many things that left me broken.  There was a point in that year that I thought I was never going to recover.   I thought that I was never going to be able to be the fun loving, happy person that always made people laugh, again.  It was at that point I found Return Of Saturn again.  In addition to my family and some friends, I credit that album for changing my life and bringing me back to life.  Its hard to explain how a band, or an album, can spark something in you, but in some cases it just does.  Return of Saturn made me realize that I was going to be OK, that bad things happen to everyone, and made me realize what everyone had been trying to tell me, that I would get through it.  And I did.

Later that year Rock Steady came out, and I had a car.  It was the ONLY CD in my car, and I think all of my friends at the time know that CD by heart because of me.

I have been to many concerts, always one of the few that would brave the elements outside for hours to be up front.  Then in August of 2009 No Doubt played at the Palms in Vegas and that too would be a highlight of my No Doubt fandom.  When my friends and I pulled into the parking garage I noticed all of the tour buses were parked out front instead of being hidden somewhere.  I told everyone in the car "we are so going down there after the show."  Sure enough after the show my friend Janel and I made our way down to the curb next to the buses (poor Sarah hadn't felt good and went home). We waited for over an hour and no sign of the band.  One of the drivers had been keeping an eye on us, probably to make sure we weren't some nut cases, and finally offered us some food and water because of how late and hot it was.  After another 30 minutes or so I spot Tom walking (rather quickly) towards one of the buses. "oh my god, Janel, its Tom". I was frozen, and super starstruck, I mean here was a guy I had just seen on stage, and not to mention 1/4 of the band I credited with changing my outlook on my life.  Janel said "Well GO, go say hi!".  I felt so bad, he looked so tired, he really looked like he just wanted to go to sleep and be left alone, BUT I knew I would regret it forever if I didn't try to get his attention.  I yelled "TOM!" and he stopped.  I think I said something like "Can I get a picture, please?" poor guy looked even more exhausted than I had originally thought.  "Sure" he said with a smile.  Then he said "you know Tony, Adrian and I were all over there for a while signing stuff and taking pictures don't you?" Yeah they had been on the other side of the big ass bus almost the entire time we were waiting to pounce.  I could have died.  He took some pictures with us, and even took more than a few to make sure we got the perfect one.  As much as I wanted to ask for an autograph I felt like he had done more than enough for me, and I didn't have the heart to ask for one.

Right around that time I found out I was pregnant with my second baby, that turned out to be a boy, and in case you are wondering no  didn't name him Tom haha.  Since then I have had some back and forths on Twitter with Tom and even one from Tony (a happy birthday!).

Over the years I have continued to be a big fan, and support them all.  Whether it be Gwen's solo and fashion stuff (L.A.M.B., Harajuku Lovers, and GX oh my!), one of the first in line for a new album, or scrounging money up to catch a show, I'll be a lifetime fan and forever thankful to them.  To this day when I am having a hard time, or anxiety their music helps me through it all.

Even if they don't actually see this I'm glad its out there, but I hop they do  They should know what their music can do for people.  Everyone should have a No Doubt.  Thanks guys

Having A Baby is Giving Birth, No Matter What

While browsing my Facebook this morning I encountered the above picture.  It was attached to a page that I will NOT be promoting. In fact I blanked out their logo as well.
Someone posted it on one of my mom groups, not in favor of it, but obviously out of shock.  At first glace, seeing a picture of a belly with a c-section scar makes me feel empowered.  It is a battle scar, a scar that serves as a reminder to me that I carried and gave life to all of my children through it.  I don't know anyone personally that has ever judged a person by their choice in giving birth.  Some people like to give birth in tubs, some at home, some outside (have you seen that new show?), some in a hospital, some with drugs, some without, etc.  Every woman has an ideal scenario of how they want to bring their children into the world, but sometimes it just isn't in the cards.  Sometimes things happen that are out of our control.

I was in labor with my first son for 16 hours, fully dilated, when he went into distress.  His heart rate dropped all the way to the 40's every time I tried to push.  The doctors really did try everything.  Different positions, clamps, suction, you name it, but at one point his heart rate wasn't recovering after I pushed.  It was at that time that I had an emergency c-section, so much of an emergency that I didn't have a chance to get the proper amount of drugs to numb the lower half of my body.  I remember the doctor pressing the scalpel on my thigh and asking if I could feel it, I replied with "yes" to which he replied "we don't have time, he needs to come out NOW" and with that I felt my stomach being cut open.  I remember feeling like I was outside of my body, I could hear myself scream in a way I had never heard before.  The staff was trying to calm me down, pushing meds into my IV.  I felt them plop my newborn in between my legs, I remember it being warm, and then I finally went numb, just in time to be sewn and stapled back together.  It was an experience unlike any other, and I for sure did not choose it.  However, it was necessary to save my son.

So I would like someone to tell me how I "got lucky" in having a c-section.  If that's luck then I'm not interested.  The bottom line is no matter how it is done, giving birth is a beautiful and special thing.  Not everyone has the opportunity either, so people should really watch their words.  One day women will stop judging and competing with each other and support and empower one another.  I look forward to that day.

In the meantime I say this, bringing a baby (or babies) into this world is a beautiful thing, and no one should ever be judged for the way they choose (or don't choose) to do so.  Be proud of your achievement, your body, your stretch marks, your scars, and so on.  I know I am