It Was Just Two Stores

I have been waiting for today for a few months. It is Record Store Day and there is a limited edition Metallica cassette tape that I have been wanting to snag for my husband. I called around and most places were sold out, except for one about 20 minutes from my house. My husband works Saturdays and I work graveyard Friday night so I am normally pretty exhausted when I get home and have the house and kids to myself. I have pretty much sworn off venturing out with my children alone because most of the time when we enter public they turn into monsters. Since it was a special day, and I wanted to do something special for my husband I gave it another shot. What a great idea it was.

It took 10 minutes to get out the door, kind of a record. Great start I thought. Everyone got in their seats, got buckled up and away we went. The car ride was pleasant, uneventful, and surprisingly calm. No "he's looking at me!" "I didn't bring the right pal (stuffed animal)!" Or even a "I have to peeeeee nooooow!"  

We get to the record store that has a parking lot full of merchandise. Records, collectibles, and toys. Oh great, old collectible valuable toys. The kids didn't see them so we walked into the record store to get the cassette. The store was about the size of a bedroom MAYBE 10'x10' and FULL of people. Everyone was walking all over each other and the kids decided to start playing hide and go seek, hiding being crates or records and oh you know people. In my nice voice I tried to laugh it off "oh come on guys don't do that". Nothing, just giggling and hiding. "Guuuuuys come on, get over here."  Still nothing, at this point Brody had his face about 6 inches away from some poor guys butt (a fart would have taught him a lesson). Now it was time to increase the tone, using what I call the warning tone. The warning tone is a tone slightly louder than your normal tone but with a little more clenched teeth. "GUYS, that's ENOUGH." My kids know the warning tone. They stopped and we started walking back to the car. Almost made it to the car when my 9

Year old yells to my 5 and 3 year olds "HEYYY TOYS!! LOOK GUYS! TOYS!!" Ugh thanks. I spent the next 15 minutes trying to keep them from touching everything, taking off with something (one might call it stealing) or stepping on stuff. "What can we get?" They ask. "Nothing" I reply. The two youngest start crying in unison and my oldest starts huffing and puffing "how come youuu always get something?" "I never get anything" "this is boring" "why can't I get anything?"  I didn't respond because I was trying to keep from launching into a "why can't you appreciate the things you have" speech. 

We get in the car and I spot a store I had been wanting to stop in. At a red light I turn around and look at my kids. All calm now, sitting quietly again. "Ok I can do this", I say to myself. "You got this Brittany". I pull into a parking spot, take a deep breath and get out. The kids were good all the way to the front of the store where the carts were lined up. I put my 3 year old in the front of the cart and my 5 year old on the big part of the cart. Instantly the crying started. "I wanna sit in the big kid paaaaaart WAAAAAHHHH". I should have just walked back to the car and left, but I put her in the big part of the cart and went inside.

It took about three minutes before the whining started. Being a Saturday it was packed. People were rude and blocking every aisle and it was hard to move around, because of this I had to maneuver close to the clothing racks. That of course was when the grabbing started, like my kids were playing Supermarket Sweep. It didn't matter why it was they were grabbing it and putting it in the cart. "STOP" I said between my very clenched teeth. Nothing. They didn't even take me seriously enough to stop laughing. 

I don't know if you ever stop and listen to children's conversations but I guarantee you that if they are ever going to make something up that is mortifying about you, it will be in public. While looking at the underwear and bras my 5 year old says "ooooo, I bet mommy is looking at that for her booooyfriend" as I'm wearing my wedding ring. Then in unison my 3 and 5 year old start chanting "mommy has a boyfriend, mommy has a boyfriend!"  I look up to an older woman staring at me, "ha ha kids" I say to her. She looks away. "Guys stop, I don't have a boyfriend I'm married to daddy!" I say with a nervous OMG tone. "Then who was the guy that came over while daddy was at work?" Brody (5) says in a teasing tone. "That was the guy to fix the refrigerator silly, you know that." "Noooo mommy has a boyfriend, mommy has a boyfriend!" They start chanting again  The woman looks up again this time with a judgemental look and a raised eyebrow. "It was the repair guy, heh, kids." It really was the friggen repair guy. I'm not sure why I felt the need to explain myself to the stranger but she walked away and probably called me a Hussy under her breath. 

My final straw was when my oldest grabbed a huge pair of granny pantie underwear and asked "is this too small, or just right?" "Seriously?" I asked, "I've had enough lets go."  That of course started the unison crying, "whyyyyyyy, nooooo!"  Now people all around the store were starting to look. I get in line about the same time everyone else in the world also decided to get in line and we start waiting. Like most young potty trained kids when they see a sign for a bathroom in a store they must use it. It's like kids have a secret list of all the bathrooms in the world and need to visit and use them all, no matter what. In the middle of the 18 person line (no joke I counted) Brody spots the bathroom sign. "Umm mommy? I have to use the bathroom." "No you don't Brody." "Yes I dooooo, I really really dooooo" "well you're going to have to hold it, we are too deep in line to get out." But *insert crying and loud wailing* I HA-HAVE TO GOOOOO WAAAAHHHHH I HAVE TO GOOOOOO". "Ok just a sec." "NOOOOOOOOOOOO!" 

I knew I needed a distraction and luckily there were some sand toys right in front of me. I grabbed them "oooooh looooook! You guys needed these! Here you go!" Magically Brody didn't have to pee anymore (told you) and it was quiet again. Those sand toys could have been $100 and I would have bought them at that point. 

We make it to the front and while I'm unloading the cart the little ones start fighting (again). Elle ends up slamming Brody's fingers in the part of the cart where the metal collapses on itself. He of course screams bloody murder, everyone is looking at us, whispering to each other, or both. "THAT WASNT NICE ELLE! SHIT!" I say. "Yeah shit!" Brody says "shit" says Elle. 

Mom of the year right here. Have a great weekend everyone!

 

Pretty much how I felt when I got home

Why I love grocery shopping with my kids.....

The grocery store, its my sanity, my alone time, and the one thing I look forward to doing.  That is, until today.

I woke up this morning and the cupboards were bare, the fridge was basically empty, and there was a lone frozen waffle in the freezer.  Being the great mother I am I decided it was time to go grocery shopping.  The only problem?  My husband was at work, so that meant I either let the kids go hungry all day or I buck up, get the kids and myself dressed and take all 3 of them WITH ME.  Yes 3 kids alone in the grocery store.  Fun.

Before I unbuckled all of them I looked into their eyes and said "we are going into the store now, don't ask me for this, or that, don't try to run off, don't cry when I say no, and please PLEASE don't make me yell at you"  All three of them looked me in the eye and simply said "OK".  My kids are liars.

The first 5 minutes were fine, we went through the produce department with no problems.  I got the things I needed and moved onto the hot dog/lunchable area.  Braden starts "ooooo I want one! Can I get one?? Please can I get just one??" "Fine" I said "just one." My first mistake.  One of the rules of grocery shopping (or any kind of shopping for that matter) is when you get one thing for one of them then they ALL have to have one.  Elle starts yelling "mine mine mine!" then Brody.  I had to think fast, then I got it, the bakery!  Who doesn't remember going shopping with their mom and stopping at the bakery for a free cookie?  I said "Who wants a cookie?" in unison they all yell "MEEEEEEE!" Great off to the bakery we go, everyone got a GIANT cookie and I continued on my way.

The next five minutes were quiet, and it was so nice, until Braden did the unthinkable to Brody.  I am looking at the pasta aisle and hear a blood curdling scream behind me.  I turn around and Braden, brace yourself, BROKE.BRODY'S.COOKIE.IN.HALF.  That's right, right in half.  Brody is very particular about things, he likes everything a certain way, he is a little OCD courtesy of me, so to him this was the end of the world.   I looked at Braden with you know "the look" because he knows not to mess with Brody and he looked back at me with the "oh shit" look.  I tried to calm Brody down but it wasn't working.  He was pissed, crying, screaming, having a complete meltdown.  People were looking at me probably thinking I was killing him.  Then a lady said "Um excuse me, your daughter" I turned around and there's Elle standing straight up in the cart with the proudest look on her face.  I said thank you, sat Elle back down, grabbed Brody and just started walking away.

I finally calmed Brody down after a few minutes (basically by letting him yell to Braden "THAT WASN'T NICE BEEDEN!) and was now rushing through my shop.  Things were going downhill and fast.  Shopping is normally a thing that takes me a few hours, I like to compare products, prices, etc. so I take my time to try and spend as little as possible.  Not today.  I looked crazy throwing things in the basket, not even stopping, just slowing down enough to grab things off the shelves.  Then came the frozen aisles.  They were all yelling for different things "pizza! waffles! corn dogs! ice cream!" so pretty much anything they saw they wanted (remember in the beginning they said they wouldn't do that? yeah.) Braden keeps opening and closing the doors and saying "oh we need this!" to EVERYTHING. I finally stopped him, got real close, and in my quietest most stern voice said "Stop opening and closing everything and STOP asking for stuff".  There I thought, that set him straight, I'm totally winning now.

As I was looking at the vegetables I hear boxes start falling.  I didn't even want to look.  I knew what I was going to see.  I slowly glance over and theres Braden watching frozen pizza after frozen pizza fall to the ground with Brody laughing hysterically.  I just stood there, in shock.  How did this happen?? I WAS WINNING! I gave him another look (which obviously doesn't work but whatever) and he quietly and slowly started putting the pizzas back.  I didn't yell, I didn't even talk, I just let him pick them up and started asking God, Mary, and Baby Jesus, to give me the strength to get through the rest of this trip without having my own meltdown.  It didn't work.  We made it to the next aisle so I could get cheese and Elle starts picking up the frozen boxes and LICKING THEM. Every time I would take one away she would grab another.  Ugh so gross, I had no choice but to give her a stern "NO!" that was it, she lost it.  She started screaming crying and trying to get out of the cart.  I had one thing left to get, paper towels.  I could have left without them but I was going to get those paper towels dammit.  We make it to the paper towels, I'm winning again, they wont fit in the cart so I ask Braden to hold them.  Brody loses it HE wants to hold them.  So there I am in the paper towel aisle, Elle crying, and now Braden and Brody fighting over who gets to hold the single paper towel roll.  I felt it coming, I was no longer winning again, I had held it in this long but couldn't anymore.  At the top of my lungs I yelled "WOULD YOU GUYS KNOCK IT OFF ALREADY???" "ENOUGH! THAT'S ENOUGH!!" They all stopped and stared at me, yep they did it, they made mommy that crazy lady in the store with the kids, we all know THAT mom, and today it was me.  People were peaking around the aisle corners, the pharmacist looked up, and even the meat guy were all stopping what they were doing to get a look at the crazy lady.  I was so embarrassed, no make that mortified, I needed to get out of there.  Braden gave Brody the paper towel roll, Elle stopped crying, and we made our way to the checkout.

The cashier looked at me, visibly frazzled and said, "long day?" I just smirked instead of saying something smart ass like I wanted to.  I felt like I was winning again so I decided to treat myself to a small Starbucks, I earned that.  The kids were quiet, groceries were paid for,  and I was about to enjoy a hard earned coffee, I won.  I did it I won! HA!  I turned my back to the kids to pay for my Starbucks and I hear a man behind me "um excuse me ma'am, um excuse me" I turned around to see what this man needed and Elle was missing a shoe standing straight up in the cart again, and Brody was starting to pull down his pants saying "I have go potty".

I lost.