Duck Dynasty....so what?

Alright so there is all this hoopla about the guy from Duck Dynasty making "anti-gay" comments, which in turn got him suspended, if not axed, from his own show.  That's ridiculous.  Look I am totally supportive of gay people.  I have people in my family that are gay and some of my closest friends are gay.  I believe in gay marriage, gay rights, you name it.

This situation is an interesting one.  "Duck Dynasty" is the highest rated reality show on any network EVER.  Personally I have never seen the show, but people who watch it love it.  What really needs to be asked is, is anyone really surprised that this guy prefers a woman over a man?  These people live in the south, and the man who said it is,well, old.  Some older people are just set in their ways, they don't accept gay people, and some of them still don't like black people.  While I don't agree with people being racist or prejudice that's just the way it is.  As much as I support gays, I support our freedom of speech.  Just because someone says something that isn't "PC" doesn't mean that they should be punished.

So what?  So this guy isn't fond of gay people, so what?  If someone has a problem with it THEY can boycott the show, but it isn't fair to punish someone for their beliefs, period.  Did we hang Adam Sandler out to dry for the Hanukkah song?  Do we scoff or shun a person for saying "bless you" after a sneeze?  Nope, because these are "acceptable" beliefs.   I think A&E did what they thought everyone would WANT them to do.  They did instant damage control by removing they guy from the show, which in turn is totally backfiring on them, because now the entire family is giving them a big middle finger, as they should.  I think it is completely outrageous that this guy was pulled just for saying what he thought.  This country has become entirely too PC.  There is a big line between tolerance and standing for what you believe in.  I mean its not like he said "I think all gays should burn in hell" yeah now a statement like that SHOULD be cause for firing.  He basically said that he doesn't understand the gay culture, and prefers women, well duh.  He feels this way because of his religion and what he believes in, and he is entitled to that, just like people are allowed to disagree or be outraged with him and his comments.

Yeah he probably shouldn't have gone as far as he did, but he said what he wanted and like I said before, that is his right as an American citizen.  I think A&E really went overboard on this one, and with the backlash they are receiving they will start to backpedal soon.  They are not going to risk losing their #1 show and further than they already have.  To someone like me I see his comments as insensitive, but I also expect an old white guy from the south to feel that way, so in no way am I surprised.  We need to stop being so sensitive and respect this guys freedom of speech, and if you have a problem with his comments and cant stand to look at him ever again....don't.

Its ok to say it...I just did

Being a stay at home mom, or a working mother is typically a decision that many struggle with.  Some don't have an option, but for those who do, it can take a toll.  Many years ago when I decided to be a stay at home mom, I had just had my son.  I couldn't imagine leaving him everyday to go to work.  The thought of it ate me up.  Even leaving him alone for a date night was torture, but isn't it always like that with your first baby?

After a few months it became clear that I was going to need to get a job for us to survive.  My husband and I were young and just weren't cutting it on a single salary.  I learned to deal with being a working mother and cherished my days off to spend with my son.  Over the past 8 years I have gone back and forth between working and staying at home with my now 3 children.  That being said I have to say that I think I prefer to work.

I know how that might sound, but the truth is, there are a lot of women out there who actually prefer to work versus being home all day.  At the moment I am only working a few days a week, but that is fine by me.  While it isn't the ideal choice for everyone, for me working makes me feel like I am important, like I actually have a life.  Don't get me wrong, I love my children to death, but I found that when I am strictly a stay at home mom I lose a piece of myself.  I have hardly any adult interaction or conversation (aside from my husband and phone calls) and I feel like I have only one identity, mom.

Getting dressed up, putting on makeup, and doing my hair for work makes me happy and I look forward to going (most nights).  I opted to work the graveyard shift so I can essentially do both.  I can have time to myself, make some money, talk to other adults, and then come home and be mom.  Even though I am tired, when I get home I appreciate being a mother much more, mostly because I got the chance to MISS my children.  When I am a stay at home mom things start to get to me quickly.  The whining, crying, I need this, I need that, whatever it may be.  Some moms relish in that and enjoy it, but I am not one of them.  I need a chance to be me and have time to myself.  I don't think it is uncommon for moms to feel like they have lost their identity, and at some point whether they admit it or not they all feel it, even if it is just for a second.  There were many days where I would be sitting on the couch watching some cartoon for the umpteenth time and wonder "what am I doing?" "how did I get so frumpy and predictable?"  I stared realizing that my days were EXACTLY the same.  Everything I was doing everyday was like clockwork, and it was destroying me.

When I was younger I was so unpredictable.  I went with the flow, and pretty much did what I wanted when I wanted.  I remembered times when my biggest worry was having to deal with a hangover at work, and now here I was a boring mom, in sweats, never even putting an effort into my appearance anymore.  I started to feel bad for my husband, he would come home to a stressed out, 5pm pajama wearing wife who was more excited he was home so she could get a break, than excited to actually SEE him.  Every night when the kids would go to bed I started to feel alive.  I had the weight of three children lifted off of my shoulders and could actually relax and be....me.  I should clarify that there is not really anything boring about being a stay at home mom, its hard work and nonstop.  Just when you think you have them all occupied and try to sit down it all goes up in flames.  I'm not lying when I say that being a stay at home mom is THE hardest job that exists, and maybe people like me aren't cut out for it, and I'm OK with saying that.  If I am a horrible mother for saying I enjoy being away from my kids to work then so be it, start throwing stones at me.  This isn't the 50's and we don't have to be afraid to say that some of us feel a little unfulfilled as stay at home moms.

If being a stay at home mom completes you and you are in love with it then that is awesome, but if you are someone more like me who also enjoys working don't feel bad about it.  It is nothing to be ashamed of, and you are not any lesser of a mother, and it also doesn't mean that you love your children any less.  In order for you to be a good loving mother you have to take care of yourself first, and make sure YOU are happy, and if getting a job to get away for a bit makes you happier then so be it.  

My mother, my rock

"Mother: a woman in relation to a child or children to whom she has given birth."

This may be the official definition but it hardly applies to my mother because she is so much more. 

My mom has gone above and beyond for me my entire life. Having a childhood with a single mom for some children is a difficult thing to go through. It is stressful, hard, and can be unenjoyable. I think for those children it is because the children are witness to the tough times and see their mothers (or fathers) breakdown wondering where the next meal is going to come from or how the rent is going to be paid. Not me. While my mom had her struggles, and for sure had to deal with the problems above, she never let me onto the fact that there was anything wrong. I never had any indication that things were bad at times, and that we were struggling and because of that I had an amazing childhood. No matter what there was always somethingn to eat, we went and did things and always found a way to have fun. 

My mom worked her ass off when I was little. She may not have always worked jobs she liked but she did it for me, not for herself but for ME.  She gave up most of her young adult life because she cared more about being a mom than being a woman in her 20's. 

I have always appreciated my mom, but I never understood just how hard it was for her until I became a mother. Being a mom is a wonderful thing but holy crap is it hard. I am married now with three kids and I could never imagine doing this alone. I don't think I would ever be strong enough to take that on on my own.  I would probably be in a psych ward by now. But that is the difference between my mother and I and one of the main things I have always admired about her...her undeniable strength and her amazing outlook on life. 

My mom is 100% an optimist and I am 100% a pessimist. I suppose it is a good balance because everytime I am having a breakdown about something (often because I am the queen of the "what-ifs")  my mom tells me not to worry and that things always have a way of working themselves out. I realize now that that is the mentality that got her through the hard times. Her optimism got her through those moments if doubt. It's the philosophy she lived her life by and what made her able to keep it together through the hard times (including my horribly disrespectful and wild teenage years). 

I think one of the best things I learned from my childhood is to never let your children know there is something wrong. Kids don't need to know, kids need the opportunity to be care-free and not start out as worry warts because it could be something that follows them into their adulthood. 

I believe there are many things that happened in my life that caused my severe anxiety, but not for a second do I think it has anything to do with the way I grew up. I wouldn't have traded my childhood for anything. 

To this day my mom continues to be my rock. There will never be anyone else that can make me feel the way she does. She is always there to give me great advice, sit through my babbling cry-filled breakdowns, stop me from second guessing my parenting choices, and most importantly remind me daily that I am a great person and mother and that no matter what the situation I WILL get through it.  Even if I made decisions she may not have agreed with she always supported me unconditionally, and if my decision blew up in my face she was and continues to be there to help me pick up the pieces. She is everything to me and I try to show her that as much as I can. I hope to someday be as strong as she is, but in the meantime it means the world to me that she is strong for both of us. 

I love you mom and thank you for always being there for me no matter what. 

Why I love grocery shopping with my kids.....

The grocery store, its my sanity, my alone time, and the one thing I look forward to doing.  That is, until today.

I woke up this morning and the cupboards were bare, the fridge was basically empty, and there was a lone frozen waffle in the freezer.  Being the great mother I am I decided it was time to go grocery shopping.  The only problem?  My husband was at work, so that meant I either let the kids go hungry all day or I buck up, get the kids and myself dressed and take all 3 of them WITH ME.  Yes 3 kids alone in the grocery store.  Fun.

Before I unbuckled all of them I looked into their eyes and said "we are going into the store now, don't ask me for this, or that, don't try to run off, don't cry when I say no, and please PLEASE don't make me yell at you"  All three of them looked me in the eye and simply said "OK".  My kids are liars.

The first 5 minutes were fine, we went through the produce department with no problems.  I got the things I needed and moved onto the hot dog/lunchable area.  Braden starts "ooooo I want one! Can I get one?? Please can I get just one??" "Fine" I said "just one." My first mistake.  One of the rules of grocery shopping (or any kind of shopping for that matter) is when you get one thing for one of them then they ALL have to have one.  Elle starts yelling "mine mine mine!" then Brody.  I had to think fast, then I got it, the bakery!  Who doesn't remember going shopping with their mom and stopping at the bakery for a free cookie?  I said "Who wants a cookie?" in unison they all yell "MEEEEEEE!" Great off to the bakery we go, everyone got a GIANT cookie and I continued on my way.

The next five minutes were quiet, and it was so nice, until Braden did the unthinkable to Brody.  I am looking at the pasta aisle and hear a blood curdling scream behind me.  I turn around and Braden, brace yourself, BROKE.BRODY'S.COOKIE.IN.HALF.  That's right, right in half.  Brody is very particular about things, he likes everything a certain way, he is a little OCD courtesy of me, so to him this was the end of the world.   I looked at Braden with you know "the look" because he knows not to mess with Brody and he looked back at me with the "oh shit" look.  I tried to calm Brody down but it wasn't working.  He was pissed, crying, screaming, having a complete meltdown.  People were looking at me probably thinking I was killing him.  Then a lady said "Um excuse me, your daughter" I turned around and there's Elle standing straight up in the cart with the proudest look on her face.  I said thank you, sat Elle back down, grabbed Brody and just started walking away.

I finally calmed Brody down after a few minutes (basically by letting him yell to Braden "THAT WASN'T NICE BEEDEN!) and was now rushing through my shop.  Things were going downhill and fast.  Shopping is normally a thing that takes me a few hours, I like to compare products, prices, etc. so I take my time to try and spend as little as possible.  Not today.  I looked crazy throwing things in the basket, not even stopping, just slowing down enough to grab things off the shelves.  Then came the frozen aisles.  They were all yelling for different things "pizza! waffles! corn dogs! ice cream!" so pretty much anything they saw they wanted (remember in the beginning they said they wouldn't do that? yeah.) Braden keeps opening and closing the doors and saying "oh we need this!" to EVERYTHING. I finally stopped him, got real close, and in my quietest most stern voice said "Stop opening and closing everything and STOP asking for stuff".  There I thought, that set him straight, I'm totally winning now.

As I was looking at the vegetables I hear boxes start falling.  I didn't even want to look.  I knew what I was going to see.  I slowly glance over and theres Braden watching frozen pizza after frozen pizza fall to the ground with Brody laughing hysterically.  I just stood there, in shock.  How did this happen?? I WAS WINNING! I gave him another look (which obviously doesn't work but whatever) and he quietly and slowly started putting the pizzas back.  I didn't yell, I didn't even talk, I just let him pick them up and started asking God, Mary, and Baby Jesus, to give me the strength to get through the rest of this trip without having my own meltdown.  It didn't work.  We made it to the next aisle so I could get cheese and Elle starts picking up the frozen boxes and LICKING THEM. Every time I would take one away she would grab another.  Ugh so gross, I had no choice but to give her a stern "NO!" that was it, she lost it.  She started screaming crying and trying to get out of the cart.  I had one thing left to get, paper towels.  I could have left without them but I was going to get those paper towels dammit.  We make it to the paper towels, I'm winning again, they wont fit in the cart so I ask Braden to hold them.  Brody loses it HE wants to hold them.  So there I am in the paper towel aisle, Elle crying, and now Braden and Brody fighting over who gets to hold the single paper towel roll.  I felt it coming, I was no longer winning again, I had held it in this long but couldn't anymore.  At the top of my lungs I yelled "WOULD YOU GUYS KNOCK IT OFF ALREADY???" "ENOUGH! THAT'S ENOUGH!!" They all stopped and stared at me, yep they did it, they made mommy that crazy lady in the store with the kids, we all know THAT mom, and today it was me.  People were peaking around the aisle corners, the pharmacist looked up, and even the meat guy were all stopping what they were doing to get a look at the crazy lady.  I was so embarrassed, no make that mortified, I needed to get out of there.  Braden gave Brody the paper towel roll, Elle stopped crying, and we made our way to the checkout.

The cashier looked at me, visibly frazzled and said, "long day?" I just smirked instead of saying something smart ass like I wanted to.  I felt like I was winning again so I decided to treat myself to a small Starbucks, I earned that.  The kids were quiet, groceries were paid for,  and I was about to enjoy a hard earned coffee, I won.  I did it I won! HA!  I turned my back to the kids to pay for my Starbucks and I hear a man behind me "um excuse me ma'am, um excuse me" I turned around to see what this man needed and Elle was missing a shoe standing straight up in the cart again, and Brody was starting to pull down his pants saying "I have go potty".

I lost.

Mental Health Awareness Day--my story

This Thursday October 10th is Mental Health Awareness Day, so in honor of that I have decided to share my story in hopes of raising awareness on an issue that is not only important, but very very overlooked.

I have been battling depression and severe anxiety for some time now.  For those who know me, even very well, they would probably not expect to learn something like this about me.  I am, for the most part, upbeat, happy, and overall fun to be around.  It is hard to keep that persona up sometimes, but I have always kept this quiet because for a long time I was ashamed.  Now I realize that it is nothing to be ashamed of, it affects millions of people, many of them do not seek help in hopes it will just "go away".  So even if my story only influences ONE person to talk to their doctor, friend, family member, or whatever then this post has done myself justice.

In March of 2010 I gave birth to my second child.  He was born a little early but had fluid in his lungs so he was placed in the NICU for five days.  It had been the second time a child I gave birth to was not healthy enough to come home with me.  I was devastated and blamed myself, even though there was nothing I could have done differently.  When we finally came home, I didn't feel like myself.  At the time I attributed it to changing hormones and maybe a small case of he "baby blues".  I loved my baby boy but I started noticing that I was becoming increasingly annoyed when he would cry, to the point that I didn't even really want to be around him.  I kept making excuses for myself, since I was breastfeeding I was basically his caretaker 24/7, except for the occasional time I would pump a bottle so my husband could feed him.  As every day went by I was getting worse.  I didn't want to see people, I wanted to sit in the house and do nothing.  I wasn't keeping up with the house, taking care of the kids seemed like a huge chore and I would cringe every time they needed me for something.  In December I got a night working graveyard and while I was there I loved it.  A part of me felt guilty for being happy to be away from my family, but it was true.  I felt important when I was working.  I had a LIFE outside of my house for the first time since high school.  After I started working I started to spiral out of control.  There were days that after getting off of work I would look at the freeway and think about just driving away somewhere and never going home again.  The thought made me feel happy and relieved.  For no reason I wanted to leave my husband and my kids behind and just pretend they didn't exist. One morning I after work I was in the left turn lane to get on the 15 north towards CA.  The light was red and I was staring at the highway like it was my way out.  That's when I realized I needed help, and fast.  This wasn't me. When I was little that's all I ever wanted to be was a mom, and have a family, and now I was just going to run?  It was time to accept that there was nothing wrong with asking for help.

I made an appointment with my doctor and told her everything.  She took my hand and told me it was ok and that I wasn't a bad person, or a bad mother.  She told me I do love my family and that's why I was there.  I was not a failure as a mother or wife.  She diagnosed me with postpartum depression, and severe anxiety nearly a year after I had given birth.  I was in shock and slightly relieved.  She told me it was treatable and we were going to get it all under control.  She put me on medication that really helped for a while, that is until I unexpectedly got pregnant again.  With all the commercials you see about meds giving babies birth defects I decided to stop my medication cold turkey (very much against my doctors wishes).  The withdrawal from the drug was the worst I have felt in my life.  I was sick, had what felt like lightening jolts running through my body, I was sweating all the time, it was horrible.  I felt ok after a few weeks and continued to have a healthy pregnancy and healthy baby girl.

I was paranoid when I gave birth again.  I tried to watch myself closely for any symptoms of depression to return and didn't notice anything for a while.  Then I did, AGAIN, and AGAIN I ignored it.  Denial is a terrible thing.  I didn't want to be a failure again, or a bad mother. I was embarrassed and felt like I was going to be judged.  I mean what kind of MOTHER doesn't want to be around her kids?  What the hell was wrong with me?  I felt like a piece of shit.  I started feeling like my kids deserved a better mother, a happy mother who did have the energy and want to play with them, one that didn't just sit around and watch TV feeling sorry for herself.  I never got to the point of attempting suicide, but it did enter my mind once in a while like "they would all be so much better off" "they deserve better" "I don't deserve this life".  My husband was aware something was wrong and started walking around on eggshells around me just so he wouldn't set me off.  I was making everyone miserable, so I put on my big girl pants, swallowed my pride and made another appointment with another doctor since by this time I had moved to another state.  When I got there the nurse was asking the typical questions, why I was there etc. and as I started explaining everything to her, I broke down.  I was hysterical trying to explain myself and why I was so ashamed to ask for help again.  She just let me vent handing me tissue after tissue.  When I was done she looked at me and said "If you think you are alone, you aren't. You are not a failure as a mother, you are doing this FOR your kids. It is nothing to be ashamed of, and we are going to get you through this again. Be PROUD of yourself for coming here." Some of what she said was similar to what my first doctor said but one word stuck out PROUD.  I hadn't been proud of myself in a long time, or happy for that matter but it was time to get back on track.

This time around has been a little harder, I have tried a few different antidepressants and anti anxiety medications but have finally found a combination that I believe is working.  It is important to communicate with your doctor if they prescribe you something and it isn't working.  Different medications affect people differently.  What may work for someone you know may not work for you.  Don't give up, if you keep at it you WILL get better and get your life back.

Some people do not believe in prescription medication, and that is ok.  If you want to try holistic ways that's just fine, but if it doesn't work do not be ashamed to try other alternatives.  Your health is the most important thing here.

I'll never understand why this topic is so hush hush in the media.  It is incredibly important to get the word out to people that they are not alone, and that they are not failures as mothers, wives, fathers, husbands, or even daughters and sons.  If you feel like something is wrong, or you aren't yourself you need to talk to someone, anyone.  Don't bottle everything up inside expecting it to just go away, because chances are it wont go away, it will just get worse.  There is no shame is asking for help, in fact it is a very selfless act, because you are not only helping yourself but you are helping those around you.

I didn't write this as a pity party for myself.  I wrote this in hopes someone out there says "hey that sounds like me" and get the help they need.  Do not be ashamed, there is hope for everyone.

Here illegally? Come to CA

Recently the Governor in CA made it legal for illegals to get a valid drivers license in the state.....huh?

When I moved to CA from NV and went to the DMV to get my CA drivers license I had to provide an original birth certificate to get one. Even though I had a valid license from the state of NV that wasn't acceptable to them. I had to go down to the county office (thank god I was born in Orange County) pay the $30, go back to the DMV, wait another 3 hours, and take the test before I finally was legally able to drive in the state. Me, a US citizen, born and raised in the states had to go through quite a lot to get my license, so how in the hell are people who are here illegally going to be able to do the same?  

I don't understand how it's fair. I have never had a problem with people from other countries wanting to live the "American dream" (whatever the hell that is anymore) and come here, BUT if they want the same privileges, like a drivers license among other things, then they need to go through the process and become a citizen. 

I am aware it is a lengthy process, but so what. It irritates me that it am paying for illegals welfare, healthcare, etc. Illegals don't pay taxes which means they don't put into this country what they are taking out. I'm not saying all illegals are on welfare but for the ones that are it simply isn't right. If you don't want to take the time to live and work here legally then you should go back to your home country.  I would never pick up and move to another country and mooch off of their citizens. People work hard for what they have and it isn't right that money comes out of my pocket to support people who don't want to take the initiative to become a true citizen of the United States. 

This is far from the only problem in the United States, our country is in the shits and it's going to take a whole lot to dig out of the hole we are in, but this has the ability to make things much worse. If this starts a trend and moves on to more states, more people will come illegally and things like taxes and even car insurance rates will rise. 

I don't understand the plus side of this, nor do I understand the rationality behind it. It makes absolutely no sense to me

RIP "Weekends"

Every Friday night I think to myself "Ooo I think I'll stay up late and catch up on my DVR", because the kids are going to sleep in tomorrow.  Every single weekend I am proven wrong.  My children are the type that must wake up as soon as there is any sort of daylight, and its not like the sun is beating into their rooms (each of them have blackout curtains) but they seem to have some kind of sensor that alerts them.  I really wish I knew how to turn that switch off.

It wouldn't be so bad if they calmly came in my room and said something like "good morning best mommy in the world its time to get up!" No that's not it.  Its more like me being jolted awake by either jumping on my bed, the boys fighting, doors slamming, Brody saying "GET UP IT'S DAY" or "GET UP I'M HUNGRY" awwww such sweet kids.  Then there is Elle over the monitor "MOOOOOOOOOOOMMMMMYYYYYYYYYYY" followed by a scream only a banshee could replicate. 

It's hard enough getting used to a new school year, and getting into a routine during the week.  How do they not want to just enjoy the lack of responsibility on weekends like I do?  And whyyyyy do they seem to get up earlier on weekends than weekdays?  Its a very twisted system I tell you.  So as I sit here on a Saturday morning, clinging to my coffee and regretting catching up on shows until 1am I am plotting my revenge.  My sweet sweet revenge.

I remember being a teenager and sleeping in until well past noon.  My mother would be disgusted and break open my blinds and start singing....very loud, until I was so annoyed I had no choice but to get up.  Since I became a mother I have realized that that was probably her revenge on me for ruining her sleep all those years, and now, I accept that.  My revenge will be slightly more subtle just for fun and to get the point loud and clear.  I have decided to alternate the following events when they are teenagers and cherish sleep until I am satisfied

• Wake them up every 2-3 hours yelling I'm hungry, or that I have gas
• Jump on THEIR bed screaming "ITS DAAAAAAAAAY!!!!!"
• Steal a chapter from my moms book and bust in their room singing LOUD (for the record my kids HATE when I sing, and I have no idea why as my voice is like an angel)
• Slam each and every door in the house as hard as I can
• Go in their room and gently wake them up with a megaphone
• Yell and scream that my husband is touching my stuff and wont share
• 3 words...pots and pans

I could literally go on and on, if you have any ideas feel free to share!

I know one day I am going to miss their sweet little faces waking me up in such horrible ways, but as you can tell today is not one of those days.  RIP weekends you will forever be missed

The Dexter Finale...

Last night was the finale of Dexter, one of my most beloved shows.  Its one of the few that I never missed an episode of and got butterflies every time I was getting ready to watch it.  In my opinion it was one of the best written shows out there.  Don't get me wrong there have been a few times over the last 8 years (ok the last 4) where I was like "huh?" and "wtf?" but that is pretty much a given with any show.  Last night however will go down as one of my favorite episodes (next to the finale in Season 4)

As with any finale, I have seen a lot of mixed reactions but I thought it was beautifully done.  I am getting ready to talk about it now so if you haven't seen it yet STOP READING NOW!!!

I wont go into the entire episode but here are a few things that I took from it:

• Dexter learned NEVER to leave a kill on the table (Trinity anyone??)
• I think Hannah will surprisingly take good care of Harrison (even though I wasn't a fan)
• Dexter WAS capable of love but only for two people, Harrison and Deb
• Killing Deb was actually incredibly touching and one of the few times we saw Dexter show emotion
• The acting was great, most notably by Dexter (Michael C. Hall), Deb (Jennifer Carpenter), and Quinn (Desmond Harrington)
• Dexter will never have a happy ending

In the final scene we see Dexter now working as a logger (after faking his own death) in the mountains.  The mountains to me were no doubt a tribute to his late sister Deb who had said, in her last conversation with Dexter, that she wanted to go hiking.   He lives alone in a tiny place and seems to be at peace with that.  The question of course that is out there is even though he started over is he still "Dexter"?  The final shot of him looking into the camera gives me the impression that he is indeed still "Dexter" at night, although I'm not entirely sure if he follows The Code anymore especially since Harry was nowhere to be seen, after he basically said goodbye to him 2 weeks ago.

Like I said before I just thought it was so well done.  No matter how hard he tried over 8 years he finally realized he will never be able to have a "normal" life and secluded himself to keep others from getting hurt.  We know Dexter has feelings, which was something he was told he was incapable of.

So good job writers and cast.  It was a great 8 seasons and I for one will miss the show greatly. 

Gamers Paradise

Last night at midnight Grand Theft Auto 5 finally came out.  Yes I'm 28, yes I have kids, and yes I have a guilty pleasure in the form of GTA games.  I would not classify myself as a "gamer" but if time allows I don't mind getting lost in a video game for a few hours.

I debated all day whether or not I was going to brave the line at midnight, but eventually decided why not, I'm always up that late anyway!  I decided to leave around 11:20 to, you know, "beat the crowd".  When I pulled up people were literally tailgating, others had been camping out for hours out front.  I felt like a huge loser, there I was at midnight, all alone, going to pick up a damn video game.  I tried to find a solid line to stand in but everyone was so scattered I figured I was missing something.  I asked a guy sitting in his chair at the front door if this was the line, he pointed to a few people behind him, not saying a word to me.  OK then, so I walked a little farther and saw the end of what I thought was the line.  I asked the guy sitting there "is this the end of the line?" He said "Kind of you need to get checked in first".  Great I just wasted 10 minutes trying to find a line only to find out I had to go inside first and check in.  I checked in and went back outside. 

I know a lot of people like to "people watch" at places like Walmart, but if you want to be entertained you just need to go to a midnight release of a video game.  I was pretty much the only girl there with the exception of about 2 or 3 others, one of which was standing next to me telling her boyfriend about getting so drunk last weekend that she had a full on conversation with herself to convince her she didn't need to throw up.  I didn't want to be that weirdo that just stands there pretending to do something on their phone while they listen to other peoples conversations but I totally was.  At least I WAS until the guy in the red shirt showed up.

The guy in the red shirt *sigh* he couldn't have been more of a stereotype if he tried.  He showed up with his laptop and parked his butt to my right side and started watching Breaking Bad.  About 10 minutes before midnight he put the computer down and just started talking, and talking, and talking.  Not only that but he was one of those people who is extremely loud in hopes that everyone will laugh at everything he is saying.  Here are a few of his quotes

"Cats are stupid, I mean I had a cat, and I loved him but he was a dumb asshole"
"My dog is so dumb, I'm not saying I would but, I could literally kick her 5 times in the stomach, leave for 5 minutes and when I came back she would be so excited to see me"
"People always say "You're such a dick, you must be from the East Coast" I say yes I am but I would rather be called a dick to my face than have people be nice to me to my face then talk shit behind my back.  That's the definition of CA everyone is fake" (ummm he does know everyone standing in that line LIVES in ca right??)
"I traded in my sports car for that Subaru station wagon right there, I would rather drive smart than fast"
 Those are just a few.  He also referenced a girlfriend about a dozen times that to be honest, I'm not even sure exists. And if I had to guess I would say that Subaru station wagon he was driving was his moms.

In addition to the very annoying attention seeking guy there were other things going on like, two guys who kept circling the parking lot blasting their subs hoping to look cool (is it still cool to "bump" music like that?), another guy who had a boat horn installed on his truck that scared the crap out of all of us as he drove by and had his buddy record our reactions, grown men talking about Pokemon and Skylanders and being excited about it, people fighting over trivia answers, and so on.  When people finally started walking out with the game the men were cheering, jumping up and down, screaming "YEEEEAAAAAHHHHHHH", and a few were *I swear* on the brink of tears.

Like I said, it was quite entertaining and cant imagine how creepy I looked chuckling to myself every now and then at some of the conversations I was overhearing.  I was probably the weirdest one there to them, all alone laughing to myself. 

In the end I got my game, came home and went to bed, but it was totally worth it

*sigh* 9/11

This day is never easy for most Americans.  It is a day that is somber, quiet, and reflective as it totally should be.  I'm sitting writing this while my kids sit and watch Yo Gabba Gabba.  It's a very cloudy gray day outside, and I think the weather reflects the mood most people are in today.  When I look at my kids I often think about what kind of tragedies they will witness.  As much as we would all like to think something as horrible as 9/11 wouldn't happen again, it is inevitable that SOMEDAY something will happen because Al Qaeda is a bunch of crazy bastards.

I have always had a lot of guilt when it comes to 9/11.  I was almost 16 years old and my parents decided to take me on a Disney Cruise. I was less than thrilled.  The first few days of the cruise were ok, although I would have much rather been with my friends instead of Mickey Mouse coming up to me everyday and giving me a big hug (For the record I would be so excited for that to happen now, but I was 16 remember?).  On the morning of 9/11 we docked at Castaway Cay, Disneys private island.  I was in an especially bad mood and refused to enjoy the beautiful water and white beaches.  All of a sudden a downpour came forcing everyone on the beach to huddle together under straw-like huts.  Whether you like the people you were next to or not you were huddled with them.

After the storm passed I was really pissed off, I had had it with this trip, I wanted to go home and didn't want to be on this stupid trip anymore.  I stomped off leaving my family on the beach and headed back to the ship.  While walking back to the room I started hearing screaming, crying, "oh-nos" "oh my gods" and so on.  When I got into the room I turned on the tv and saw a tower on fire.  It was a close-up shot of the tower and underneath it the caption read "world trade center on fire"....I had no idea what the world trade center was, OR that it was in NY.  Sure I had seen the towers a million times in the opening credits of "Friends" but I failed to put two and two together and turned the TV off and took a nap.

My parents and sister came back to the ship not long after I started to nap and my mom said "Whats going on in NY?"  I said "NY? I don't know about NY but there is some tower on fire" She instantly turned on the TV and by this time the second tower was fully engulfed as well.  The first words out of her mouth when she saw both of the towers on fire was "He finally did it" I said "Who? Whats going on?" She said "Bin Laden, he finally did it, he tried years ago to bring those down" I don't really remember the rest of it, I don't remember watching the towers fall, the people running for their lives, the aftermath or anything.  I don't know if my mom shut off the TV on purpose or if we did watch and I just wasn't very invested in it.  The next thing I remember is being told that the cruise was going to be cut short, we were going back to FL (apparently they were afraid we could be some kind of target sitting in the middle of the ocean).

We were due to fly home the 12th, I was excited to go home but not so excited to fly right after all of this.  Of course we were told that ALL flights were grounded and we wouldn't be going anywhere.  I begged my parents for us to rent a car and drive home.  I did NOT want to fly home.  They wouldn't budge.  It took DAYS for us to finally get a flight home, and when we did I witnessed first hand how on edge we were in airports.  We got through security, and sat at our gate.  I looked across a few rows and spotted a man wearing a turban with a large beard.  I am not ashamed to say that at the time I was scared shitless.  If you were about to get on a plane that close after 9/11 and saw a man with a turban on you would feel the same way, call me a racist if you want, but if you're saying you wouldn't feel the same way you're lying.  Also, I was NOT the only one staring at him.  EVERYONE was looking at him, whispering, and looked visibly shaken.  After about 20 minutes of us sitting there all worried about the guy in the turban, 2 guys in suits came up grabbed him by the arms and took him away.  Honestly do I think he was a terrorist now that I look back on it? No, I think we were just all on edge and while it wasn't right to judge that man, it was kind of understandable. 

I have flown a total of 2 times (round trip) since that day and my mother, against my wishes and begging, is now a flight attendant.  I haven't been able to get past the fear of flying and am not really sure if I ever will.

Since my behavior regarding 9/11 when it was happening was horrendous, I dedicate my entire day every 9/11 to watch specials, educate my children, and pay my respects the way I SHOULD have 12 years ago.  I feel guilty that the country was in complete chaos, thousands of people died, people were literally running for their lives and there I was sitting pouting that I wanted to go home because I was 16 and I was the center of the universe.  I hope my children never have to witness anything of that magnitude in their lifetime, but the threat is always there.  I hope that by investing myself all day every 9/11 I am paying respects to those who lost their lives and loved ones.  I truly do feel guilty but I hope I have redeemed myself somewhat.  One of the things on my bucket list is to see the 9/11 memorial in NY, and if I ever have to opportunity to go I may even fly there.

It's time to grow up

Tyra Banks put on a bunch of white make-up to give herself "whiteface" to "honor" her fellow white models.  In her situation it is artistic and thoughtful, if a white model put on dark colored make-up, to perhaps do the same thing, it would no doubt be racist.  So why is Tyra not in the wrong?  Simple it's called a double standard and it's ridiculous.

Now am I offended or pissed off she was sporting "whiteface"? Of course not because it's just stupid to get offended over something so absolutely ridiculous and I have better things to worry about.  To be honest I don't see what's wrong with wearing dark colored make-up for say Halloween if you want to be someone specific. How is that offensive? Or at least how is it any more offensive than painting your face white to be a ghost? Why do all ghosts have to be white?? See how stupid that sounds? Say I wanted to be umm I don't know lets say Michelle Obama, just for this blog, would it be ok for me to sport dark make-up on my face? Probably not, I mean I'm sure SOME people would think it was ok but I certainly wouldn't trick or treat in Al Sharptons neighborhood. 

I have a lot of issues with racism and do not feel it is as present as it was years and years ago. Does it still exist? Of course, but last I checked we are all using the same bathrooms, have the same jobs, and go to the same schools. 

In my honest opinion the moment Obama was elected should have shown how far this country has come in regards to racism not once but TWICE now. If every single white person, cop, southerner, lawyer, judge, etc was so racist he wouldn't have been elected TWICE.  It's time to move on and it's time to stop throwing the race card out every single time something happens. 

If I were seriously sitting here complaining about how offended I was by Tyra Banks I would have so many people telling me to shut up I would lose count.  If other races want "equality" then they need to stop playing victim all the time. Murders, robberies, rapes, sex offenders, speeding tickets, DUIs, drug busts, domestic violence, and whatever else you can think of happens to ALL RACES and it is ALL RACES that do them. We need to stop referring to ourselves as white, black, Asian, mexican whatever and start referring to ourselves as PEOPLE, because that's what we are PEOPLE.  

Remember after 9/11? Katrina, Sandy, the Boston Marathon? Remember how united we were as PEOPLE? Why does it always take a horrible tragedy to bring our nation together and the best out in people?  If we concentrated more on how to get along than to ridicule and pick apart every single decision every person makes we would be much happier and united. I hope that happens someday for our sake, our children's, and even our grandchildren's. 

So Tyra you have my blessing, I'm not offended and neither should anyone else be. It's time to grow up people 

First morning of school

I'm not sure what it is about the first day of school that brings the absolute worst in people, but it never ceases to amaze me every single year.

Look ladies (mostly) we All need a parking space, we ALL need to find our kids class, we ALL need to maneuver through the other clueless parents and children, and we ALL haven't had nearly enough coffee yet.

Its one of those things that most of us parents don't want to be there, the first day is always chaos but it would be nicer if everyone realized that and was just nice and helpful. Everyone is just flat out rude on the first day, they and their children are way more important than you DUH! I was cut off multiple times, had two parking spots stolen from me, people flat out REFUSED to let myself and my three children (one of which was in a stroller) cross the street, I was stepped on, and Brody was even pushed a few times.

We were having trouble finding the line for Braden to line up.   I walked through the lines about 3 times reading ever paper looking for his teachers name, couldn't find it.  As I am weaving in and out of kids and parents looking for this teachers name I realize Braden is GONE.  He was happily running around with a friend from last year like we had nothing better to do.  Now I'm not the kind of mother that wakes up 4 hours early to do my hair and make-up to drop my kid off at school.  I'm a throw-my-hair-up-in-a-bun-big sunglasses-sweats-while-clutching-my-coffee kind of girl.  But today being the first day of school I put on jeans, yes JEANS, since it was a special occasion I got dressy (Kidding).  Being in the OC this is almost a no no.  Most of these women hire a personal make-up/hair/stylist as part of their daily routine, I swear.  I got dirty looks if I asked for help (or eye rolling..totally my favorite) like I was some kind of idiot, maybe it was because I looked like a ragged crazy woman, even borderline homeless at this point.  Not only did I look crazy but now I was "that mother" clutching her three year old, pushing a stroller and yelling at my oldest to "get back here" "I'm serious" "get over here" "we don't have time for that right now" "I SAID GET OVER HERE" "STOP RUNNING OFF" add about 12 exclamation points after every phrase and say it increasingly louder with more agitation as you go on.  Finally after I was sweating my ass off, stressed out, and on the verge of screaming "WHAT IS WRONG WITH YOU PEOPLE HELP MEEEEEEE????" I found another parent who also couldn't find the stupid class line.  We searched and searched and along the way found 2 other parents also all looking for the same class.  We found it, it was posted on a CHAIR in the middle of tons of screaming running children.  GREAT place for it. 

Braden got in his line and waited to enter his classroom while I tried to compose myself, then OF COURSE I run into my neighbor.  I must have been looking awesome because she literally had to do a double take when she saw me.  Knowing I was stressed and sweating the first thing I said was "wow its hot today huh?" Oh yeah Brittany nice one its a scorching 76 today. She said "yeah sure is"with that "back away slowly" look in her eye, like I was a rabid animal.  In her defense she was probably pretty close.  We talked a little more, found out our kids are in the same class, and then went on our way. 

Sooooo I guess you could say the first morning was a major success.....cant wait for the first after school pick-up of the year yaaaaaaaaaay

Oh my...The VMAs

Last night I watched the MTV VMAs for the first time in years.  It was a mixture of depressing, exciting, fun, boring and a little WTF?  Lets go through those emotions a little.

Depressing: I have realized I am old and really didn't know who half the people were!  I NEVER thought I would be the person who is watching a performance or seeing a list of nominees and say "who is that?".  I always thought I would be the adult who followed the up to date music and would be hip and cool, and not long for the old "good" music I was used to.  Nope I have turned into that old person who says "man the music I listened to was soooo much better"

Exciting:  Lets face it, anyone who knows me KNOWS the only reason I watched the VMAs was because of a rumoured performance by *NSYNC.  It happened and I couldn't have been more excited.  It was literally a moment I had been waiting for most of my adult life.  When they performed up there and did their awesome dance moves I was like a 15 year old again.  Screaming, jumping, singing along, and so friggen excited!  I don't think it lasted as long as it should have but it was enough and I feel like them singing "Bye Bye Bye" was a message to the fans they have, that was it, we got our goodbye performance and we shouldn't expect anything more.  It was our closure.  I had to give it up to Justin Timberlake too (his performance was sooo good), he didn't have to honor them, but he did, it was nice for him to recognize that his success all started with the boy band he has probably tried to now block from his mind.  His speech after receiving his award was sweet too.  He thanked the other guys of *NSYNC, even saying he was sharing the award with them (although he said it would be staying at his house lol) and I have more respect for him now.  Did I cry during that speech?  I plead the 5th.....

Fun: It was fun to look forward to the awards again.  Even if it was just to catch a glimpse of my beloved Justin Timberlake and *NSYNC.  And it was a plus that his wife wasn't there!  So glad I didn't see her face to ruin my moment.

Boring: Like I said before I didn't really know who half the people were.  So in between the people I actually knew I started doing other things, like play candy crush (always a good time killer).  Its all part of realizing you aren't the "MTV crowd" anymore

WTF?: Ok here we go, lets just say it, Miley Cyrus.  Oh Miley W.....T.......F?  Besides finding out that "Bye Bye Bye" is 13 years old (ugh) there was no other single moment that made me realize how damn old I am.  The last time I really paid attention to Miley was back in the Hannah Montana days, and well Hannah Montana she is not.  The bumping, grinding, tongue flicking, twerking (you're proud I know what that is aren't you?) foam finger humping, and spandex were all way too much for me.  I thought it was distasteful, and almost like she was trying too hard.  It was a pretty nasty performance, BUT (yes there is a but) she got exactly the reaction she wanted.  It was really no different than Madonna's "Like a Virgin" performance.  It got people talking and once and for all destroyed the sweet little girl persona she has been trying so hard to shed.  She knew she was going to get a negative reaction, but she nearly upstaged the *NSYNC reunion which like it or not was a huge deal.  Mileys PR may be going crazy right now but bad press is still good press (unless you are Chris Brown) she is, believe it or not, going to benefit HUGE from that performance because people cant stop talking about it.  Hardly anyone said a word about Gaga's "comeback" performance, but mostly because it was pretty lack luster and the song is not nearly as big of a hit as her others.  So while Miley's performance totally grossed me out and made me feel like I needed to take a scalding hot shower, you kind of have to hand it to her, she did what every performer strives for, attention.

So in conclusion MTV has changed, and apparently so have I.  Long gone are the days of videos (why does a network that no longer plays videos even have a video award show anyways?), boy band takeovers, rock music, and censorship.  I realize they need to change with the times and whats popular but doesn't MTV kind of decide what is popular in a way?    MTV may not be influential to my generation anymore but preteens and teens, even young adults still pay attention to MTV to stay "current".  Or maybe they don't, I really don't even know if they ever play any music anymore.  In my day (see?  I'm old) there was TRL, Making the Video, and when a video was set to premier it was a big deal.  Will I ever watch the VMAs?  Its possible, but only if "my bands" are playing.  I'll stick to my "oldies" thank you very much